Holidays 2012

This year was the best Christmas yet! I got to spend time with all the people I love and it was just amazing.

Every year my sisters and I get together on Christmas Eve and do what we call "Sister Christmas" because we spend Christmas Day with our families. Every year I get us matching pajamas and we play Monopoly all night (I've won EVERY year) and then we go to Denny's for dinner because it's the only place open at midnight Christmas morning.

(We need a better photographer-everyone wears glasses so none of the photos really came out non blurry

Alyse, me, Jessica Rachel)

Well, this year we had an addition to Sister Christmas. The electricity was out at Adam's apartment Christmas Eve and it broke my heart at the thought of him being alone on Christmas Eve in the cold, and waking up alone Christmas morning. (Now Adam is pretty agnostic, as well as Jewish so Christmas isn't a big deal to him) but he humored me.

My sisters were gracious and kind enough to invite him to sister Christmas and we had a blast.... Until the boy started beating me at my own game. He smoked me in Monopoly and I don't think I will play with him again. I think he cheated- I just can't prove it.

After totally losing at Monopoly off to Denny's we went. The staff there remembers us and our matching pajamas and were waiting for us this year- that was cool. We're like infamous on Christmas Eve at Denny's lol

Rachel and I

Bummed I didn't get a pic with just Alyse and I- but I'll make up for it!

It was about 1:30 in the morning by the time Adam, Jessica, and I got back to our house. I have a very old fashioned family so Adam slept in my bed while Jessica and I crashed together in hers. To say the least it wasn't the most restful sleep ever, and I felt like I had just closed by eyes when I peaked at the alarm clock and it was 7:00 in the morning. It was time for this girl to get out of bed and get the food going.

The rest of the day was spent munching on food, hanging with my sister Jessica who I feel like I never see anymore, enjoying dinner, snuggling with my love and just being happy. 

Jessica and I

I am so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life to share not only the holidays with but the every day struggles too. Together we manage to make almost any situation fun. For example, yesterday it was time to shovel his driveway from all the snow we've had in the last week. He was all macho man "You stay in the house while I go be big man and shovel." So I wasn't to keen on the idea of shoveling so I stayed in the house and straightened it up. I put the kettle on so that he could have something hot to drink by the time he came back in. While the kettle was on I went to the window to check on him and saw what a hard time he was having because there was such a thick layer of ice. We were never going to the driveway clear enough to get my car in but we could make a path so he could be safe coming to and from home. (Adam commutes to work via train, as he lives so close to the train station.) 

So, I started feeling back, turned off the kettle, bundled up and outside I went to be of whatever help I could be. Basically I just cleaned the stairs and attempted to chop through ice so he could then shovel it away. That was until I snowball came flying my way. I picked up a handful of snow to toss back at him, realized it was a chunk of ice and decided to go charging after him. He caught me, lifted me up, and spun me. Holy cow he picked me up!!! I can't/couldn't believe I can be picked up!!! Total NSV! 

Total cheesy situation, and no one ever wants to shovel, but we managed to make it fun doing it together.

I love him. 

Confessions

Confession One
Sometimes I worry I met, fell in love, and got engaged to quickly. He's truly become my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him in it, but sometimes I find myself questioning if he's my life partner. We do have different religious backgrounds, which is 100% fine by me. My best friends have a Catholic mom and a Jewish dad and I have so enjoyed being a part of holidays with them and learning about both religions and how they have incorporated it into their girls. I sort of envisioned the same thing for him and I and any future kids we may be blessed with. I'm starting to doubt that now though. I am very Christian in that I don't believe in living with someone before marriage. He's of the mind set that you shouldn't marry someone if you haven't lived with them. So then I just wanna know why the hell he asked me to marry him?!?!?

Confession Two
My eating has turned to crap. I can't remember the last day I actually stuck to my diet plan. I pack lunch, have a healthy breakfast, then I get to work and it all crumbles. By the time lunch rolls around I'm so stressed out I want comfort food, not a hard boiled egg and cheese. One of the really hard working girls left for another job and I've taken on many of her duties. I don't mind this as it makes my dad that much more busy and go by faster, but I worry about my performance going down without as much time to pay attention to detail. I've eaten Honey Buns, Doritos, Combos, McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC, and Sonic more than I'd like to admit the last few months. My weight loss has totally stopped. I bounce back and forth between 190-192. I really want to lose another 30-40 pounds and I know I can do it. I know it can be almost as easy as it was right after surgery if I just buckle down and eat the way I ate right after surgery. Virtually no carbs, except that which comes from my fruit and vegetables, and protein first. I do still try to eat protein first. At McDonalds when I order a double cheeseburger I always peel off the top bun and sometimes even the bottom bun and just eat the meat and cheese- I feel like that counts for something, right?

Confession Three
I really don't care about school anymore. I'm still chugging along and doing my assignments. But the joy I once felt knowing I was furthering my education is gone. It feels like just another thing I have to do, and I doubt if it will actually get me anywhere in life.... Besides further in debt that is. With the lack of overtime at work I really do depend on my college loans to pay for my tuition, and to help out financially. Especially this round of financial aid checks because my credit card debt feels staggering right now. How sad is it that I feel staggered and weighed down by $2,000 in debt?

Confession Four
My sister and an ex gentleman friend of mine unknowingly connected on a dating site and it took them a little while to realize who I was to each of them. Well, I haven't been around much lately to talk with my sister but tonight I over heard her talking with Alyse about some of her conversations with said gentleman friend and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Isn't there some sort of code that is being broken here? He should know better than to be talking to my sister if he really valued our friendship the way he says he did/does, and she shouldn't be talking to him knowing he and I have been together. It's weird, it's creepy, and just... gross.

Adam loves music and we went to a tribute concert of The Machine- a Pink Floyd tribute band.

A crazy drunk lady took this picture for us. I really do love him in spite of the rough week we had.

I will be 28 in 5 days....

So, it's been a whole year since I started this blog. Actually it's been a little longer then that. As I said in my birthday post last year I like to start reflecting a bit on my life at my birthday and kind of do a stock check of where things are at.

Let's start with what I currently look like.

To read last years birthday post click here.

So, for this reflection let us take a gander at this. My list of goals for my first year post op.

1- Go to the gym three days a week for the month of January. (They say it takes 30 days to make or break a habit, so I'm hoping to create this habit.) I haven't managed to make it to the gym three days in a week in a very long time. I have however found numerous other ways to fit in exercise here and there. 

2- Wear size 12s by my birthday on October 30th. (Actually hoping for a size 10, but 12 will do.) Guess who is currently wearing 12's and really needs to get to a store and try on some 10s? I think I'm going to do that tonight actually! How super cool would that be to be in 10s by my birthday as I wished?!?!?
3- I want to be able to run an entire mile by 2013. I don't care if it takes me twenty minutes to do it (the amount of time it currently takes me to walk a mile)--- I just want to be able to run a mile. Well, I haven't tried this one either. Now that the weather is cool out again my knee is killing me. I was so hoping that will my weight loss it would stop hurting so much... Oh well.
4-  Buy a pair of Coach sneakers to celebrate when I hit 50 pounds gone for good!! Not only did I buy my pair of Coach sneakers, I was able to buy TWO pairs!
5- Get a massage because my body has been through hell and back and deserves it This one is coming soon. I'm secretly hoping for a giftcard for my birthday... However not holding my breath.6- Get my hair trimmed more then twice this year. (The last three years I've managed two trims/cuts a year.) I think I've managed two trims this year, but technically I still have a few months from when I made this list to make it a year.

7- Maintain a GPA of at least 3.5  I'm killing myself for this one, but so far I think i'm at a 3.6. 

Now I think that is a pretty successful list! 

I've also gained back confidence, gotten involved with the WLS community more, shopping where I want, being able to bend over to tie my shoes.. Just able to do soooo much.

And I met the man I want to spend forever with. 

Tell me, how could this year possibly get any better?

The Beginning Part I

So I've decided that as I approach my birthday (October 30th) I would like to do kind of a review of the last  year, as well as maybe a more in depth look at what led up to the last year. Around my birthday I always take time to reflect on who I am now, and who I was the year before. It's kind of how I keep myself on track and make sure I am growing and progressing as a person.

Please do not feel obligated to read this entire post... It is LONG , but mostly being done for me as a form of therapy. Sometimes I think I really should see a therapist. Maybe once some of my debt is paid off.

Lets start with 2008. I was fresh out of a job, and had started seeing someone I like to refer to as Commander and Chief F*tard. To be referred to from here on out as CCF. CCF and I were never an official item in that he never really asked. However, every waking hour that he was in NY was spent together. His home was being forclosed on and our relationship started out as a way for me to fill my jobless days. I had a huge SUV that was not being put to good use and in the hours we spent together either packing, talking, watching tv, or cooking together I began to fall in love with him. Well, he went out of state to work for a few weeks here and there and there were a lot of rumors that would circulate back to me about what he was doing at night. I was blind and believed him and by May I had had enough and decided to put my best friend on snoop duty. She added the other rumored girlfriend on Facebook who lived in Maine and we ended up finding out that I was actually the other woman the entire time. Broke my heart.

Right around that time entered someone by the name of Patrick, and I also started working at my current job. Patrick was all wrong for me, and me all wrong for him. However, he pursued me, others urged me towards him to help me get over CCF and I spent the next six months trying to convince myself I was in love with him and that my heart wasn't full of scar tissue, and that Patrick really wasn't that bad. Sure he never wanted to go to a movie and watch what something I wanted to see, sure he smoked weed and drank- but only sometimes, sure he would rather watch a foodball game that spend time with me when it had been almost two weeks since we had seen each other. Sure he fell asleep in my room for almost my entire birthday party. But the last straw- he wouldn't go watch New Moon with me. I'm sort of proud to admit he got dumped via a text message.

I celebrated me new found singleness and vowed that until I was right in my heart and head I wouldn't be dating anyone. Then came the real blow. I had kept in contact with a few people I met through CCF, they had become great friends. Well, one day I was sort of mooning over how much CCF had hurt me and how sometimes I still missed him and the friend informed me about something John had referred to me as several times. Now, understand CCF and some of his friends were all VERY into motorcycles. And I'm not talking crotch rockets- REAL motorcycles! Now to someone used to riding Harley's imagine the horror of having a friend catch you on a moped- no matter how fun they may be to ride. Yeah - well... That's what I got referred to as... A moped. Fun to ride but not something he'd want his friends to see him with. Which told me two things, A) these people who had become my friends were never really true friends in CCF's heart, and B) I was used.... Thoroughly used, taken advantage of and worst of all- I had allowed it.

So back on my whole I'm single kick. I decided to do something about my weight because I knew that was what was really holding me back. I was a great person with a greater sense of humor and deserved happiness.

I went with a co-worker, Nikki to check out a little seminar on Medifast. I wasn't looking into it but she was and asked if I wanted to go with her. We were both big girls and I think secretly she liked having another big girl in the office- kinda like no longer odd man out. I was very intrigued by the Medifast diet, but it was SO expensive.

I had to do something my car situation. I was driving a car that on a good day maybe got 16MPG. I had just sunk over $1000 worth of repairs into it, and the warranty on the transmission was about to be up. I was in over my head with it and couldn't afford to pay $70/week to fill it up. So I traded it in for my newer car that gets about 25MPG city, 35MPG highway. My commute to work was split evenly between highway and city and it only cost $40 tops to fill at the time and I could go double the miles on it. I went on my first real vacation on years with my sisters Jessica, Rachel, and Alyse as well as my co-worker Nikki and her friend Nicole joining us. We had a freaking blast and to date I think it was my favorite vacation!

Two months later I decided to go back to school and money and free time became scarce. But a raise at work saw me in a bit more of a comfortable position financially and then tax returns came and I purchased a months worth of Medifast.

The first month saw me lose about 15lbs and drop down from sizes 22/20 to 20/18. Then I began to struggle a bit with the diet. It was too strict and I was starting to miss eating foods that didn't come out of a packet. But I went ahead and bought the second months worth.

One night I was laying in bed and ya know how itchy a freshly shaved armpit can get?? We I was scratching my armpit and it felt so good I gradually ended up scratching a larger area, lol. When I get down to about the  part where the side of your bread meets your side I felt a lump about the size of a hard pea. I freaked! At the time I was only 25. I ran out to my mom and she felt it and burst into tears and next I ran to Jessica (the nurse sister) and her face told me how serious this could be.

Mammograms, PCP visits, and ultrasounds followed. At the appointment with my PCP to get a referral (it isn't normal for a 25 year old to need a mammogram so I had to see my PCP first) I told her about my Medifast diet and she told me that I should probably stop it until after we figured out what was going on with my breasts.  It took two weeks to be able to get in for the mammogram and by the time I was there the lump was gone completely. Many doctors ended up consulting with each other and it was decided by the professionals that Medifast is made mainly of soy proteins and that my body did NOT like that amount of soy based protein and that Medifast was out of the picture for me.

At that point I had lost between 20 pounds on the diet, being down to about 270 from a start of around 290.  The next year saw that weight pile back on and at 26 years old I ended up weight in at my known highest weight of 310 pounds.

At the end of July 2011 I agreed to do the hair/makeup for a bridal party as a way of a wedding gift. It was miserable! I hadn't been on my feet all day like that in years and bending and stretching and my back hurt so darn much. That night I met up with my friend Nick to go out to the local waterfront. I hadn't seen him in almost a year and was so excited to spend some time with him. Nick and I have been friends since our Freshman year of high school and we were always the kind of friends where no matter how long we had been apart we always pick back up right where we left off.

We ended up going out front to smoke a cigarette and we sat on the curb. I could tell he wanted to say something to me but was nervous and didn't know how. He asked me if he could say something without me getting upset, because he was saying it out of love and concern. Of course he was worried about the amount of weight I had put on in the year we had been apart. I was crushed. I was already hurting physically because of my weight that day, I knew it my head why it hurt so bad, and then emotionally I felt crushed. That night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in about two years. I prayed so hard that night for Heavenly Father to help me find a way to not hurt so badly and to guide me to a way to lose weight.

The next morning I woke up oddly refreshed, eyes swollen from crying, but feeling weirdly at peace. I pulled up google on my laptop and googled weight loss surgery. I was interested in Lapband. I read almost all day long. The next few weeks were spent researching, and gathering questions, and looking at before and after pictures.

Jessica and I

American Bad Ass!

Lyn, Joshua, and Danielle

August 17, 2011 was my cousin Joshua's birthday and we all went to a Kid Rock concert at Bethel Woods (site of the original Woodstock) and had a blast. We took lots of photos that I hated looking at. I didn't recognize the girl in them. Her face had gotten so full, her belly so big.

August 23, 2011 I called out of work and spent the day at the pool with my cousin Noel. I remember the date well, because it's the day that NY had an earthquake. As Noel's son napped she and I nibbled on snacks under an umbrella'd table I told her I had decided to have Lapband surgery and that I had a seminar to attend the following week. (Now, Noel had also gained a lot of weight prior to her pregnancy and then there was the pregnancy weight and the weight that she put on as her marriage began crumbling.) Noel became very excited and told me she was thinking about doing it too, but wasn't sure how to go about it so I told her I had already found a doctor my insurance excepted and that she should just call around until she found one who took her insurance.

She ended up coming to my seminar with me and then to my first appointment with the surgeon. You know- that annoying appointment that takes hours because they basically do a complete physical before you even see the surgeon. I was down to 305 pounds from my high weight of 310 already. Well, we ended up learning that day that Noel would have to use the same surgeon I was going to because her insurance required a center of excellence- my surgeons office being the only one in our area- which happened to be an hour and a half from home.

During my seminar I had decided on sleeve surgery because it has much better results at reversing PCOS. Around this time my periods stopped coming. There was no way I was pregnant, obviously. So that meant my PCOS was advancing faster because of my weight. Noel unfortunately wasn't able to have sleeve because of her insurance, so she was signed up for bypass.

Noel and I set about having our nutrition appointments, checking off our clearance appointments with the cardiologist, pulmonologist, psychologist, and all that stuff. Her insurance required a 5% weight loss to qualify for surgery- where as mine just required an intense 3 month program supervised my a surgeon and a nutritionist. Around 2 months into the process they scheduled my surgery for December 8, 2011.

October 30, 2011 brought about my 27th year on earth. And for the first time in a long time I looked forward to the coming year. My surgery was going to change EVERYTHING! No longer would I be THIS girl!

October 31, 2011
Costume to Work

I was ecstatic, and I had lost  about 9 pounds on my own following the nutritionist's diet plan. Then I got a call from the surgeons office saying that if I would like to have my surgery the same day as my cousin I would have to move it to December 5, 2011. I was 100% with doing it earlier! As long as it was a full 3 months and my insurance approved it- of course I wanted it done sooner!

Right around this time there was a major hiccup. Noel hadn't lost any of the weight she needed to lose to satisfy her insurance. It was the middle of November and there was a frantic mad dash to reach a doctor she had seen prior to her pregnancy when her weight was about 20 pounds heavier than it was currently- a letter from that doctor would work and prove she had lost enough weight to qualify. A few days prior to Thanksgiving that was all taken care of and Noel's surgery was approved. Mine approved a few days after Thanksgiving.

And there is my life pre-op. I plan to later do a post about the surgery itself and then another one about the last year.

9 month follow up appointment

41 Weeks Post-Op VSG

Changes

The photo of me in the pink shirt was taken during my July 2011 vacation. The photo of me in the dress was taken August 2012. In the photo on the left I weight 310lbs and the photo on the right I weigh 196lbs. (I've since dropped an additional 2lbs.)

How can anyone say that weight loss surgery isn't good? Look at my arms even! Sure, I still have about 40 pounds to lose to be where I want, but all things considered I'd say that isn't even bad for saggy skin. I loved the picture from vacation and for awhile it was even my profile picture on Facebook. Now when I look at it I truly feel like vomiting. 

I showed this before/after to my future mother-in-law who was absolutely amazed at the difference. She asked me how I felt looking at the before photo and I really had to stop and think because I feel such a whirlwind of emotions. I love that girl on the left and I'm still her! Sure, I'm smaller by 116lbs but everything that made girl on left who she REALLY was still exists in girl on right. And then I start over thinking things. 

Adam loves me, of that I have no doubt. He loves my personality, he likes my family (gasp!), he enjoys my sense of humor, puts up with me bossing him around in his own home, scarfs down my cooking, and isn't afraid to be affectionate in public. Now, all these qualities he is so in love with exist in girl on left too, but I know girl on left would never have caught his attention. I know I can't/shouldn't think this way- but it just sort of creeps in. Oh well, I guess it's just one more thing to be thankful about with this surgery because I can't imagine my life without him. I had a dream awhile back where he got hurt and was pretty much at deaths door and waking up from it was such a relief. Then I realized how much it hurt in the dream would be nothing compared to how it would be in real life. 

I've said it to my friends and I'll say it here. Ending up with Adam makes going through every bad ex worth it. Every time I was cheated on or referred to as a moped (fun to ride but don't let you friends see you with), is worth it if I get to keep him. 

(September 17th Mets game)

Work is a nightmare. Someone who I have literally defended and who's job I KNOW I have saved on several occasions is black balling me. When this person was hired the owner of the company called me her manager and put me in charge. Since then my department has been absorbed into another department and I'm no longer management (a very welcomed change by me!! I promise) but she is complaining about EVERY little thing I do. I wish for one weekend she could answer all the calls I take, the insurance verifications I do from my cell phone, or just anything I really do. Please people- just because you don't know what someone is working on doesn't mean that the person isn't working. She has no idea how many times a day I get pulled to a problem with the sales reps and how many other little tasks I preform to make her job easier. Nope- we'll just complain and back stab. I hate my job. 

Which brings me to the topic of school!!

Last year I ordered a university hoodie from my college. I ordered a men's XXL in white and ended up returning it because it was too small. Well, this year here I am in a women's XL. This semester is already kicking my ass and it's only the second week. I'm taking this stupid Natural Hazards class for a science credit and I have to do several labs a week using Google Earth and I want to shoot myself in the foot. I should have taken understanding DNA. Oh well, too late now!

Well, that should be a good update for you guys. Touches on a bit of all areas of my life. 

First month as a member of foodie penpal

This was my first month as a member of goodie pen pals.

My awesome pen pal sent me a box full of goodies. She is from an island off of Washington state and sent me a very nice sizes can of the best tuna I've ever had! A special jar of raspberry honey mustard sauce that goes amazing on salmon. Also included was a special blend of slices that the note says goes amazingly on popcorn. Sadly, I haven't tried it on popcorn but that's actually a goal for tomorrow!

And last but not least she sent some dried beans with what looks to be a yummy recipe for home made baked beans.

I'm excited to make the baked beams but waiting until the weather cools off a bit because my house or his apartment just get too hot when the oven is on for a long period of time.

Thank you to my pen pal!

I'm excited to do this again in September!

So on August 22, 2012.....

I got engaged.

Wednesday after work I picked Adam up and we went back to my house to have dinner with my family, and we were using my parents van to move a living room chair they were giving Adam.  Cooking for Adam is always someone stressful to me because he can be sort of critical of food (I guess it comes with being a chef). My Dad baked a whole chicken and steamed some broccoli.. And THEN came the flop... Instant potatoes that we couldn't get the lumps to come out of. We usually cook whole birds breast down and my Dad didn't so.. Out came a packet of what Adam scornfully refers to as easy sauce... Gravy packet. Anyways.... He jokes around with my family so well but they can be so.... URRR that I get nervous. His parents are so laid back and nonchalant that I feel he should get the same treatment. Maybe I'm just over reacting...

So we finally load the chair into the back of the van after much squabbling between my father and I and Adam and I are on our way back to his apartment.

Once we got back we maneuvered the chair up the five stairs and into the apartment and I flopped. My strength is seriously not what it once was and I was exhausted.  I sat on the chair while he sprawled out on the love seat we recently acquired. We chit chatted back and forth for a bit and then the conversation turned serious. Asking if he is someone I can see myself marrying, and when would I want to have a wedding and topics that just really irritated me honestly because I don't like talking about things I want and can't have.... So I basically told him I don't want to talk about it and that I didn't find it funny to joke about... Few minutes go by and then he walks over to me on the chair on his knees and all I could thing was "Oh, great, I'm so not in the mood right now because I'm exhausted and sweaty."

He grabbed my hands and asked me to be his wife. I'll never forget the next moment where I stared into his eyes trying to figure out if he was serious or not. I'll never forget looking into his eyes! (Yes, I had to say it twice!) Then I had to ask like ten times if he was serious to which he answered each time with a yes and a laugh. Finally he asked me again on one knee and I answered with a "Yes."

And there ya have it folks! I'm getting married!

I haven't told my parents yet because he's going to talk to my Dad and I want to wait until then to really tell everyone.

I love him so much and things have felt different with him almost from day one and I just feel like all the pieces to the puzzle are perfect.

I've already had to contend with a few people and comments about how we haven't known each other that long and predictions of divorce.. I'm trying to keep calm and ignore these comments but they hurt a lot. If I was some 19 year old who was just testing waters I'd say fine, it's too soon. However I'm almost 28, I've dated enough to know what I do and don't like, and what I do and don't want.

So when I said yes, I mean YES!! We are thinking perhaps a wedding in May. But to be honest the more and more I've looked into things and see how expensive it will be the more I kind of just want to get the license and hit the JP and be done with it. Never let it be said I'm not practical! At the end of the day I just want to be his wife and I don't care if it's in front of 100 people or 10.

I'm rambling. So much going on in my head and with not telling everyone yet it's kind of hard dealing with it all. But yeah, I'm getting married!!

101 Way to Waste an Entire Sunday...

Or rather just one incredibly boring, miserable, depressing, and obnoxious way. Defensive driving.

My car insurance policy just renewed and my car insurance jumped more than $20/month. I said WTF!? Called my agent up, priced different policies and basically realized I'm just screwed. In November of 2009 I had a car accident where I hydroplaned into an oncoming car and the insurance paid out about $20,000 for my injuries, Alyse's injuries, the injuries to the lady I hit, and then the property damage... SCREWED! So really there is nothing cheaper for me out there.

So in a move that I'm not sure if it was genius or stupid, I said the my bff Rachel, instead of going out to breakfast Sunday morning why don't we do that online defensive driving course? Rachel has a driving record that rivals DMX's arrest history- so I know she could use it too. 

So Rachel got to the house around 8 o'clock this morning. It's 12:57 and we still have A LOT of material left to cover. This stupid program makes you click a button like every minute and a half and you can't go onto the next slide until a certain amount of time has passed. Not a good situation for two people who are certified speed readers.

 

This picture about sums up our excitement. 

So.. In weight loss news.. I'm down 105 pounds. Crazy right? I'm wearing mostly 12's on bottom and XL on top... Even have a L or two thrown in there thanks to Alyse.

Alyse and I went shopping yesterday and I got a lot of dresses. I'm so into dresses this summer.  For how cold I was all winter long I didn't think I would be so hot this summer. So the dresses are a nice way to keep cool. 

I'm going to a fish fry tonight for my uncles birthday. Hopefully Adam gets out of work in time and he can make it. I haven't seen him since Wednesday and I miss him. Young love and all that nonsense... Except it really doesn't feel like nonsense!

In happy news, I've aced this semester and am expecting to maintain my stellar GPA.

I find myself sort of struggling lately with food choices. It's not that I crave unhealthy food or need it or anything. I just feel sort of bored with all the things I've spent the last seven months chewing. I'm craving a bigger variety but lack the funds and the know how to spice it up beyond what I have. 

And for someone who never craved candy, I sure have been keeping frozen peanut M&Ms on hand. I only have 3-5 at a time, but I know it's not a good thing to do. 

And munching. The munching monster has returned. I've tried to make it healthy munching, grapes, cherries, baby carrots... But the other day at work I brought tuna for lunch and dang it all, cool ranch Doritos and tuna have always been one of my favorites and I just had to have some with the tuna... So I did.

I feel like reaching the 100 pounds lost has totally sort of made me not as focused anymore. I have about 45 pounds to go to reach my original personal goal of 160 pounds. And I totally think I will do that before my surgiversary December 5th. could maybe even do it by my birthday (10/30) if I really buckled down, ate right, and started exercising agian.

And exercise... Ugh. Pretty much since I started dating Adam it went out the window. I was already so stressed and busy and throwing in another thing just didn't work and I had to let something go. The gym it was. I don't regret it either. I've still lost twenty pounds in the two months we've been dating and I'm happy about that. There is a small part of me that wonders "Hey, if you had kept at the gym would it be 30 pounds by now?" But hey- live and learn.

Now that the semester is over though I will make an effort to get to the gym at least twice a week. I'm not liking the sound my arm makes when it makes contact with my side when I'm fresh out of the shower. Makes me want to vomit, so I need to tighten them up some. 

Well, that's about it for now. 

Back to defensive driving... Blech.

 

I've gone and done it.....

I don't care who says it's too soon or happened to fast....

I am totally, completely, and utterly in love with this man! 

 

And for some reason I am totally blessed that he loves me too!

Thank you VSG for giving me the confidence to start dating again!

First post-op beach trip

Last weekend I celebrated by good friend Nikki's birthday with a day trip to the Jersey Shore. I freaked out a bit at the thought of a bathing suite.

I pulled out last years swim wear to discover I could get away with wearing the top to the tankini but there was no way the bottoms wouldn't swim away. I didn't feel like spending much money on a new suite, so a $5 pair of yoga shorts from Walmart did the trick. I'm actually going to post a picture for all to see of me in a bathing suite!!

After the beach we cleaned up and headed to the boardwalk where we took some old fashioned photos and had a ton of fun posing in the dressing room.

Once we were photo'd up we walked the boardwalk and got something to eat. I did the best I could for being on a boardwalk and for a calzone and ate the cheese out of it. However, my down fall came with the frozen custard..... I indulged and it was worth every freaking calorie!!

I had a blast and am truly blessed with some amazing friends in my life. I hope you all enjoyed your weekend as much as I enjoyed mine!

Turkey Avocado BLT

As many of my friends know I have fallen madly in love with Panera's Turkey Avocado BLT. I usually will order a you pick 2 and get a half BBQ chopped chicken salad and there I've got lunch and dinner. Well, I'm on vacation this week and I don't live near a Panera.

So I decided to make my own. Found a bread that is only 35 calories a slice, purchased chicken bacon (which is surprisingly tasty!) and made it myself at home. It's healthier than Paneras version and just as yummy.

Since my VSG I have become obsessed with Avocados. They are so yummy! And I like how they satisfy my fat cravings in a healthy way. It's amazing how my body and tastes have changed.

I'm so thankful for my VSG. It has truly changed my life.

Wanna hear something I find funny in an ironic sort of way? (my friends find it funny too...) I'm dating a chef. Not talking Ruby Tuesday chef I'm talking graduated prestigious culinary school chef... I guess what little I do eat is about to get lots tastier!

Taking Chance

Yesterday my mother, sister and I watched a fantastic movie called Taking Chance. Kevin Bacon plays a Marine escorting home the remains of a fallen soldier. At first when we read the little blurp the movie sounded boring and dull. However, I was quickly reaching for a tissue and just in awe.

This movie is playing a lot this weekend on HBO if you happen to have HBO and are able to check it out it is a movie totally worthy and appropriate of this weekend.

Thank you to all of our military men and women for what they do not only for our country but also in hopes of making other countries safe as well.

Well, tomorrow is my father's birthday. He will be 54. My grandmother is spending the weekend at our house to celebrate with him. Talk about mixed feelings. Since both of my mother's parents passed away in 2003 I really had thought of myself as grandparent-less.

When I was barely 11 my dad's mother had a stroke. Shortly after that she moved to Colorado to live with one of her daughters. We never really heard from her once she got there and our calls were never really returned. Before long my family (mostly my father) stopped trying all together. As I posted in a previous post it turn out fathers evil sister (mwahahahaha) had basically taken advantage of my grandmother and in a matter of speaking had her brainwashed that we didn't want anything to do with her and kept messages and letters sent from her.

Well, now she is back. In a whirlwind two week period my father's twin sister scraped together the money to fly out to Colorado and basically hijacked my Nana back to NY. Dad and I picked them up from the airport and I had mixed feelings the whole day. As a matter of fact that day was the day that got me smoking again :( Not that I'm blaming anyone else, I decided to handle my stress in that way and it is my own fault. I thought I was done with that battle for good, but it turns out otherwise. Nana is staying with Aunt D in a town about an hour away. Last weekend I took Daddy there for Mother's Day and yesterday I came home from work and there was Nana sitting on the couch.

Jessica and I bunked up in her bed so Nana didn't have to sleep on the couch. Needless to say, even without the 2am phone call from the latest love interest I didn't sleep well. Surprisingly enough I woke up refreshed enough.

We made breakfast and then headed off to the Cupcake Festival taking place locally. Now, anyone who knows me knows that my entire life I have hated cake. I don't like the feel of it in my mouth and it just doesn't do anything for me. Well, Nana insisted on buying everyone a cupcake and so not to make her feel bad I picked out one called "Devilishly Almond Joy" or something to the effect. I got it to go and currently it is sitting on the kitchen counter with the others. I'm hoping I can sneak it to the dogs without her noticing.

So far it has been sort of a challenge keeping my WLS a secret from her. I don't know why I'm so adamant that she not know about it but I am. So far we've kinda played it off that I'm doing an Atkins Diet sort of thing. So far so good?

So, it's been awhile since I've updated. Mr. Motorcycle is out of the picture and that's okay. It was an amicable thing all along and he really didn't fit into the future I have in mind for myself and it is what it is. The latest one is much younger than me, at 23. Well, not much younger but in my mind it seems like it could be a big deal. We haven't actually met yet as it started as an online thing, but our big date is planned for Monday if all goes well. I'm probably mentioning this prematurely but I'm excited and happy about it and since I'm not talking about it IRL I figure I'm safe to do so here. (And Alyse, since you're the only one who reads this Shhhh!)

I really wanted to hit 100 pounds lost by my 6 month surgiversary. June 6 would be the date to do that by and I still have 11 pounds to go. I'm thinking it probably won't happen and that is okay. It will have been the most amazing 6 months of my life and I'm okay with how things are. Currenlty I'm wearing size 14s and those are getting pretty baggy. I actually bought a pair of 12s at a yard sale from Charlotte Russe today. They don't fit yet (I can suck it all in and not breath, but no way will I wear them out of the house yet.) I also bought size 12 shorts from NY & Co and a yard sale last weekend. I bought them with the thought they would eventually fit. I came home and tried them on for haha's.

I wish my belly would stop looking like a person who has had WLS and is in the losing phase. Soon enough I guess.

Noel and I have started making our plans for the Vegas Meet and Greet 2013. I'm totally excited for it!

And just for the fun of it, here is a picture of me wearing a size L dress from Fashion Bug. A few months back Jessica and I popped into a Fashion Bug in NJ and all of the clearance items were on sale for $5. This dress was originally $75!!

Time to start working on a tan!!

Let the photo whoring begin!

ALYSE IS HOME!!!!!!

Friday night I just was not tired. I went to my friend Janell's house and got sucked into watching the first three episodes of the vampire diaries, had a blast chatting with her, and YES, eating popcorn, LOL. When I got home it was around midnight and my intentions really were to go to bed.

Well, 4:30 a.m. rolls around and I decide that even though I'm still really not tired I should at least TRY to sleep. So that's what I did. I'm not sure exactly when I fell asleep, but I know I was up by 8:30. I rolled over and was getting ready to fall asleep again when I realized how light it was outside and then I was AWAKE because Alyse was coming home! On the phone with Rachel like 10 minutes later and we chatted away like little kids about Alyse getting in, what time her plane lands, how tired we think she will be and yada, yada, yada.

Rachel and Alyse's mom had to rent a car to go to JFK with and we were hoping she would end up with a mini-van so there would be enough room for me to take the ride. Alas, no dice. So I waited around all day long attempting to read my Norton Anthology of Neoclassical Literature. (Yeah, if it sounds like a mouthful try reading it!)

At 3:30 in the afternoon I get a text from Alyse saying she had arrived. It has been four very LONG months since I had a message from "Alyse" pop up on my cell phone. Well, if I thought waiting around all day long for her to land was annoying, waiting for them to make the trek from NYC to New Paltz was even more anticipation filled. I cooked dinner, took a bubble bath, did some makeup.. And finally I said to Jessica I couldn't wait anymore and we were heading to New Paltz. This was around 6:00 p.m.

We got to their house and they weren't there yet so we waited outside for awhile because it was so nice outside.

After a while I was like "let's go get gas". They got home before we were back from the gas station. Alyse was in her room starting to unpack a bit when I walked in and like moth to a flame I was hugging her! Her hair has gotten so long and curly! I'm so mad that I didn't somehow manage to take pictures or film or something of it. I really felt like "Ahhh, my baby sister is home at last!"

Alyse brought me back this amazing, beautiful, and totally my shade of pink Venetian mask she got while at Carnival. It's gorgeous and so finely hand made. I want to get a shadow box and turn it into artwork on my wall.

We stayed at her house for a few hours and in no time at all the four of us were razzing on each other and fist bumping across the table as one sister would crack a joke on another. I've missed the four of us being together. We're all crazy busy this week so we probably won't see each other again until next weekend I imagine but we're all gonna go do breakfast at Denny's next Sunday and be us in public! Heaven help them!

So, major announcement to make. She's home. She's seen me. The photo whoring is totally about to go down! haha, I know with the montage I sorta already started but even then there has been a part of me trying to tone it down until Alyse got home. No more!

Here I am at the gym, sweating like a pig on the treadmill. Five minutes later Mr. Indian Point walks in. *GASP* Once done on the treadmill I sort of ran into the locker room to hide, regrouped, and emerged. He was on the elliptical right in front of the locker rooms. He saw me come out and waved me over. Asked how I was doing, commented on how great I am looking, my hair looks really nice (I've had highlights and a two haircuts since he last saw me), and just general chit chat. It was an easy conversation that reminded me that first and foremost he was my friend and a part of me has missed him. So I get up on the elliptical next to him and we chatted some more. After ten minutes though I was done. Ellipticals and I are not great friends just yet.

This is me last weekend after I got my hair cut. It's been falling out so bad and thinning out as a result. I needed something new and fun for summer. I love it. It was totally inspired by Katie Sagal's character on Sons of Anarchy. She always have such great hair at Gemma Teller. I just wish I could get my hairstylist away from such extreme flat ironing. I always just let her do her thing because I always end up loving it, but these curls fell out within a half hour because of being flat ironed first.

Speaking of my hairstylist, she has re-thought lapband and now is getting sleeve. WOOHOO!!! She and I may be going to the support groups together for her office. I'm excited as I sort of would like to do the support groups, it's just that my surgeon is so far away. She also took off my hands the bag of clothes I'd had in my trunk waiting for me to drop off at a Salvation Army, Goodwill, or donation box. I hope she gets use out of some of that stuff!

Size large pjs bottoms and an XL top. Old Navy. Later this night I bought my first pair of 14s at American Eagle. They were not only my first pair of 14s that I actually purchased, they're SKINNY JEANS!!!

 Last week my uncle was in the hospital having a arterial bypass and getting stents put in for dialysis. I got to babysit my nieces and nephews while their moms went to visit their dad. Victorialyn is missing her tooth, Joe is in the back with his cute dimple showing and Ginger is in pink. We had fun watching Hop, eating popcorn, and taking our pictures. I have such a blast with these kids! Baby Josh was on my lap too but to hold the camera, balance three kids on my lap, and make sure the Joe was in the picture... It just didn't happen! Ginger is actually the spit out of my mouth when I was little, except I have dark hair and she's a red head.

See what I mean? 

Alas, that's enough photos for now. Actually, one more and I swear that's it for now!

This stuff is heaven on a spoon! Not something we'd want to have all the time, but two spoonfuls I was satisfied and oh so happy!

Happy Easter!

Isn't she just the cutest? I found this picture from AmbiClubWear on FaceBook, but it was too cute not to share.

I'm a little tired today, I did a lot of cooking yesterday. Pies, homemade bread (made some with white flour for the family, and whole wheat flour for me), stuffed eggs (see below), dips, stuffings (omg, can't wait!), and potato salad. We're doing ham for Easter this year thankfully. I'm still having a hard time with some of the white meats so turkey wasn't high on my list of wants this year.

It's going to be just us this year. Usually we have the missionaries from church over, but this year because of location issues they are unable to make it. My cousins usually pop in at all hours, but my aunt had some major reconstructive surgery to her hand yesterday. As a result, I'm sure they'll be sticking close to home. My poor Aunt, she has the most used hands out of anyone I know. About a week ago she fell down the stairs to her back patio and shattered several of the bones in her hand. She doesn't have insurance and my uncle's disability apparently was too much to qualify her for any form of help. So instead of being operated on immediately as it should have been, the stupid hospitals and doctors were being greedy and she had to wait. It's too bad because to set everything they had to re-break some of it and then insert the plates and screws. However, the silver lining is that I still have my Aunt! It could have been much worse and our family is just thankful she is here to celebrate another holiday with us. She could have broken her neck just as easily as her hand falling down a set of stairs such as those.

So, since it's Easter I'd like to share some slightly religious thoughts with you all. Many of you may know I was raised Mormon. (Latter Day Saint). I've not always stuck close to this upbringing, but I do believe in God and that Chris is the Savior. Due to a lot of teenage mistakes and judgmental people and a certain amount of my own will, I don't like actually going to church anymore. Mistakes made as a teenager and the reactions people have to them leave lasting impressions. Do not judge your youth, you have no idea how it effects them! Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about re-birth. That is after all what Easter is all about. The re-birth/resurrection of Christ. As an LDS person, I believe that after the resurrection Christ spent time in the America's teaching here.

Spring is such an amazing time and a beautiful reminder of all that Christ did for us. Everything is being re-birthed and coming alive. And this year, many of us are as well. I joke that I have lost an entire anorexic person from my body- which is true. I've officially lost 80 pounds. That is an amazing physical re-birth for me, but the more important one is that changes I'm making on the inside. I'm sure you can all relate to what I'm talking about.

I'd like everyone to stop and take a minute to think about who they were this time last year. You may or may not be reading this as a WLS patient, you may just be reading it because you know and love me and are sharing this experience with me. But think about who you were last year and in what way have you gone through a re-birth! If you are comfortable sharing your answers please feel free to leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

Montage

The Most Amazing Four Months of My Life

So April 5, 2012 was my Four Month Surgiversary. (I don't know if I'll ever like that phrase, lol). I totally took the day off from work to take my last final- which I passed. And then I went up to Kingston to spend the rest of the day watching movies with Mr. Moto. It was a great day and so nice to relax and not stress about work.

So, in four months I've lost 72 pounds for a grand total of 80 pounds! I think I might just be down 100lbs by my 6 month surgiversary. (Did I new goal just formulate itself, I think so!)

The last four months have been so amazing. There have been down moments, crazy hormones, tears of sorrow, tears of joy, JOY, and a new found confidence in myself and what I can accomplish.

Lets re-cap.
Survived hellacious semester. Check
Lost 72 pounds. Check
Ditched a man who didn't belong in my life. Check
Started getting periods again. Check (Although having had 6 by the 3 month mark was a bitch much, it has fixed itself now)
Fit into size 14s by the time Alyse gets home. Check
Over 1000 hits on my YouTube videos. Check
New found confidence. Check
Ability to walk 5 miles without wanting to die. Check
Hooker boots that fit up my calfs. Check

I could go on and on with this list- but a part of me feels sort of like I'm bragging- even though that really isn't my intent.

Video montage to come soon! Check back tomorrow!

Until then...

Flashbacks....

I hate them. On down days (and lets face it, we all have them) I flashback to the fat me, to the lonely me, to the insecure me, to the "moped" me... To the me who gave my heart completely and had it tossed back.

At what point do you walk away when warning bells start going off in your head, screaming "WTF are you doing, you've been here, you've done this, and you swore you'd never be THAT girl again"?

Last night I was hanging out with Mr. Motorcycle, his roomate, and a few of their mutual friends. The phrase "harem girl" may have been used once or twice- which REALLY made me sick to my stomach. That's not what I am, that's not who he is- but why does the phrase make me want to puke? He is an AMAZING man who I have NO INTENTIONS of really getting seriously involved with. And unfortunately for him- he has the disadvantage of how we met.

However the more time I spend with him the more time I seem to spend thinking about Commander and Chief Fucktard and I just DON'T want to do that. I've said for a long long time the only thing that I don't regret from that period of my life is meeting Mr. Motorcycle- and now I'm not even so sure about that. When it's just him and I one on one I'm fine- but throwing other people into the mix... It's too much like how things were three years ago.

I know this is probably not making any sense to any of you. I'm feeling so lost right now and dreading having to go to work feeling this way. Last week I was so happy I couldn't stop the smiles from appearing... Today- I want to cry....

I want to cry for that girl I was, I want to cry for what could have been, I want to cry because I'm NOT that girl anymore, I want to cry for how badly I was crying then and for so many years that I let myself think I didn't deserve better.

And I want to cry with joy that I will never be THAT girl again.

I know I said I wouldn't post pics until Alyse is back... But today just feels like that day. I'm shedding who I used to be and becoming who I'm going to be. I <3 Alyse, I can't wait for you to be home!

Should have stayed anonymous!

Sometimes I wish I had kept this blog totally anonymous by not sharing it with people I know in real life. Granted, there are only about four of you- but sometimes it's easier to share things with people you DON'T know!

Today I feel amazing! I weighed in this morning at 236.4! That is a total of 73.6 pounds! So, since December 7, 2012 I have lost a grand total of 64.6 pounds. I've worn LEGGINGS to work TWICE! I'm feeling amazing and more confident.

With this confidence is coming a more independent and braver Danielle. I stick up for myself more and won't tolerate certain treatment. What brings this on? Mostly- men. LoL. Or rather just one. I had this ex that was always sort of my go-to guy. We always stayed in touch, sometimes we dated, sometimes we didn't. He is one of the guys I've mentioned a few times previously. We'll call him Mr. Indian Point (cuz that's where he works.) Well, Mr. Indian point wasn't as good of a friend to me as I was to him and I wasn't a fan of only being his friend if he was single. I get that women and men make bad just friends.. But he and I have been through a lot in our four years as mostly just friends and it stung what he was getting ready to do.... So, what's a girl to do? Start hitting DELETE!! Deleted from phone, email, yahoo, facebook. DELETE!! I never knew any of his info by heart because- well.. Who has to these days? So he's GONE!!! And I'm on to developing myself more without him in my life.

I'm loving myself more!

I love the new positions I can twist my body into. Last night while watching a movie and cuddling with (I need to find a cute name to protect his identity, lol) so for now we'll call him Mr. Motorcycle... So we're cuddling watching a boring movie and I look down at his head in my lap and realize that there is NO way I could have contorted my body into that particular position 70 pounds ago. He and I talk about my weight and I'm totally comfortable doing so with him. He saw me at my worst in so many ways that I'm just comfortable with him. And ya know- it's nice. I'm just Danielle and he is just Mr. Motorcycle. It works.

That being said, I'm bubbly this morning and NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH!! I feel alive and pretty. And although he isn't getting any hanky panky- I keep having those silly flashbacks of the cuddles like that silly scene the morning after Bella wakes up from her honeymoon with Edward.... *sigh*

I gotta go call my best friend.....

Spring is in the air... That means it's time for romance...... Right?

Ahhhhh!! Why does life keep throwing fast balls? What happened to the old saying "Slow and steady wins the race??" It sure doesn't feel that way these days.

We changed the clocks ahead last night. It's going to be 60 degrees today. I've got laundry going in the washer right now so it can be hung on the line. Chicken chili all in the crockpot for later today. About to start working on some homework, and try and survive ANOTHER round of period cramps.

On top of my 6th period in 3 months, the multivitamin that I was sold BY MY DOCTORS OFFICE, was the wrong vitamin and didn't have iron in it. They sold me the vitamin that is for bypass patients. How did this even really come to realization? Well, on two different occasions I was given two different bottles. I called and the mistake was realized then, but I figured I would just finish out the bottle of the wrong vitamins before starting the right ones. I only had a little over a week left of the wrong bottle.

Well, fast forward a few days later, I'm reading the textbook for my Essentials of Human Nutrition class and we are going over micro and macro-nutrients. Iron falls under these categories. Guess what signs of iron defecieny are? Hair loss, fatigue, mood swings, light headedness. Yup. I'm really just very unhappy with the doctors office at this point and I'm really considering looking into switching to a different office if they will take me on so soon after surgery. Vitamins aren't something you should play with on a bariatric patient. The doctor told me it was fine to take the vitamins I was on prior to surgery at my six week check up. Well, I was taking a one a day. Nutrition appoinment comes around at 2.5 months and she about died when she heard I was taking a one a day. Well, she is the one who told the girl at the front desk which vitamin to sell me. She went into the closet they keep the vitamins in and handed the front desk girl the vitamin.

My hair is falling out by the HANDFULLS! My part is already getting wider. And I know this is a part of the surgery, but I can't help thinking it might not have been this bad had I been taking the correct vitamins from the start. I also don't like how when I tried talking with the doctor about these things at my three month checkup he just wrote it off as depression. I think that is a sign of a BAD doctor. He didn't look into seeing if there were underlying causes and he should have.

My new insurance card came in yesterday, so I'll be getting my blood work done one day this week finally.... Until then, I'm pushing protein and green leafy vegetables. I even bought me some beef liver because in my textbook I learned it is the best source of ingestable iron.

So my friends, any good liver recipes? I usually like chicken liver when my second dad makes it. MMM!

And then MEN! UGH! Confusion freaking city! I make a vow to stay single and they come climbing out of the wood pile like sailors who have been out at sea for a year.

And then my grandmother. Dad and I picked her up from the airport. She was happy as hell to see us. I'm still not sure how I feel about all that, but I'm glad she is back in NY and safe from dumb bitch who married a child molester knowingly and said child molester. I'm getting mad all over again as I type it.

So, I'm gonna go hang some clothes on the line and enjoy some fresh air... Maybe even take Gypsy for walk!!

New day, new leaf (Caution, there's swearing involved)

Weighing in this morning at 245.4!! How exciting is that! My official way in is tomorrow morning, so hopefully it may be even less than that!

I had my three month follow up this week. Spoke with the doctor about my mood swings and he kept calling it depression. But it isn't depression. I've been depressed before- all those things that got me up to 310 pounds to begin with! I explained about how messed up my cycle is and then his story slightly changed that is is mostly hormones but was I feeling depressed? I told him NO! I feel irritated and overwhelmed. To which he suggested I talk to a shrink and see if maybe they wanted to put my on something temporarily. WTC? (What the chicken)

I don't like the thought of taking pills to deal with my feelings. I feel like things wont be any different once you stop taking the pills, and you will just have exposed your body to all that junk that it didn't need in the first place. He told me that's why I should continue to see the shrink while on the meds so that they can help me work through my issues. Whatever. Waste of my time even bringing it up. And then the appointment really turned out to be a waste of time because they couldn't get a vein to do the three month blood work. *sigh*

This week at work was okay. Nothing major to really complain about. School was okay, although I forgot about the last part of an assignment before it was due, but I don't think it'll amount to much of a grade deduction.

So that brings us up to speed to today. March 3, 2012. My only living grandparent is moving back to NY today. My father and I are picking her up from the airport around 3:30. I'm so TOTALLY not sure how I feel about this. Fourteen years ago when I was barely 12she moved to Colorado to be with my fathers sister and her husband and kids. At 12 all I knew was that Nana was leaving and we wouldn't have any more fun sleep overs and sneak out of the house on the weekends to go get jelly donuts. At 12 all I knew was that the only grandparent I'd ever really had was leaving. Sure at that point I still had both grandparents on my mothers side, but my sister and I were little more than my father's half-breeds- not the children of their daughter. And there was a bunch of family drama and we didn't really talk to those grandparents from the ages of 8 to about 16... But this isn't about them, this is about Nana.

In the 14 years she was gone there was basically no communication. My father tried calling in the beginning only to feel rejected and like his attention was not welcome, so eventually he stopped trying. Who could blame him, right? I was about 15 at this point and was over the idea of grandparents. I'd see my friends with their grandparents and knew how jipped I was so I didn't want anything to do with any of them. They didn't want anything to do with me after all.

Then my father's sister turns into some spastic junky retard (the names are omitted to protect peoples privacy, because what I would really like to put is "woman who doesn't put her children first and decided to stay married to a child molester") Oh snap! I guess I said it after all.. Anyway..... So then last month she tells my father that until he "comes clean" about stuff a psychic!!!!! put in her head she isn't going to let him talk to his mother. Well, that just made my father very determined to talk to his mother after YEARS of no contact. Problem was, we had no phone numbers and this bitch literally moved my grandmother like over six times in 10 years or something like that. So- that was my que because I've been itching to get even with this dumb bitch for some stuff she tried to pull last year...

Now, I work in healthcare. Meaning I have access to databases that will tell me literally ANYTHING on just about ANYONE. And actually, is available to the public, it's just that the public doesn't know about it... But go check out the database accurint, you'll see what I mean. So I ended up with a complete list of address and phone numbers the bitch, her husband, and my grandmother have lived at since they all first got to Colorado. ChaCHING BIATCH!

So, my father gets a hold of my grandmother and low and behold- she wants to come home. Say what??? So my dad and my aunt Debbie get together, move a bunch of mountains and aunt Debbie is it CO right now about to get on a plain to bring her home.

I told my Dad I would take him to the airport to pick them both up and we would drive them home. The problem is, that for the last almost 10 years since my other Gma died, I've considered myself grandparent-less. I've made my peace with it, I'm comfortable with it and I don't know if I want to open myself up to this.

The 27 year old woman in me is able to rationalize what went on. My grandmother had a stroke and became pretty dependent on others. I think she felt like a burden, mostly to my aunt Debbie so she decided on a change of scenery and moved to CO with the scum bitch. Scum bitch and Company at some point ended up taking most of her social security money and told her no one here wanted her.... Which isn't true. My father and aunt Debbie (they're twins by the way) are so ecstatic to have her back it's been cute listening to them on the phone with each other ever night making plans. (And maybe a little irritating since they tend to speak in some weird twin language that sounds a lot like a grunt language.)

So here I am first thing in the morning unable to sleep, unable to decide if I made a mistake doing this for my father. I want to make him happy and give back to him just a smidge of all the hard work and sacrificing he has done for me over the years and still does every day. (I'm a total daddy's girl... still.) But I really don't think I want a grand parent. I don't want to open myself up to it and all that comes with it. I mean this woman literally wouldn't recognize me if we passed each other on the street. And I REALLY didn't want her to see me for like at least another six months and most of the weight was off.

I remember her staying with us for a weekend after the stroke and Jessica, Nana and I watched a movie while eating some sort of party chip mix, then went for a walk, came back and Jessica went to grab a handfull more of the party mix and Nana said "you're gonna eat again?" Now- I was MAYBE 11 at this point... But for some reason that moment sticks out in my mind so much and now I have to go pick her up from the airport looking like a fat blob. She doesn't know that I've lost over 60 pounds recently or struggled so badly with my weight I turned to WLS. She doesn't know three months ago I was wearing 22s and that yesterday I got to wear 16s for the first time. And now instead of feeling joy over that accomplishment I'm kind of feeling like "Oh boy, it just isn't good enough or enough period."

I don' know what to do. I'm gonna do my hair, put on my makeup, rock those 16s and go support my father. That's what I'm gonna do. And I know she is an old woman of 77 and I am a 27 year old woman, but I'm taking my que from her. I'll give her the respect that my mother taught me to treat the elderly with, but honestly- she's nothing more than a stranger to me.