Well then. I just logged in to update on my life as I start a two week liquid diet prior to having my sleeve converted to RNY. I didn't realize just how log it has been since I've written anything here.

My mother passed January 20, 2017. Life got HARD! I still struggle daily with not being able to call her when Nathan does something she would find amusing. I hate getting in the car and knowing I can't call her just to chit chat like I always did. I hate that her clothes I have stashed away in my closet are losing "her" smell.

I struggled for a few months after her passing with depression on my own before I went to my doctor for help. I was started on antidepressants and gained some weight. I had my yearly physical in 2017 and found out I have an under active thyroid. I gained weight. My PCOS flared up and my periods have gotten wonky, I'm having issues with skin discoloration, and facial hair.

In November of 2017 I left a job I had been at for nearly a decade and started working for an amazing company! I could never have realized how much the old job was sucking away at my life and energy until I left. I have some really great co-workers and my boss really is amazing. She has a get it done attitude and nothing is below her.

Since Nathan's birth I had gained almost 80 pounds. I've struggled a lot the last few months to lose some weight. I've gone from 279 and weighed in this morning at 267.

My husband is on the fence about me having surgery. My boss doesn't understand how someone would be so willing to have anatomy rearranged. I don't understand how I got here again.

My new surgeon, Dr. Vaydim Meytes, has insinuated that it wasn't all me. He believes wholeheartedly that  sleeve surgery was and still is so new that they don't have a lot of long term data. Throw in PCOS with VSG and the data is even more limited to show success rates. He has also indicated that a lot of it could also be how my surgery was done and where my previous surgeon was at in his career and technique.

I've also developed a lot of symptoms of GERD since I started this process. This was confirmed by an endoscopy procedure. So in all honesty, even without the weight gain I was heading towards a revision anyway.

I want to believe that all of these factors are the cause of my regain. I want it to not be my fault. And yeah, I really have had some health issues smack me in the face that have caused some weight gain. But I've also found comfort and solace in foods I know I shouldn't be eating. It is hard to feel like you are living a life you have no control over. Things just keep happening no matter how hard you are trying that seem to be working against you. You can't control all the chaos. But you know what you can control? What you eat. In a life where you are constantly looking for the next bomb to drop you start to looking for ANYTHING positive to look forward to. Like your next snack or meal.

I can spend all day at work contemplating dinner in my mind. It will need to be something I can't get Nathan to eat, it'll need to be cooked rather quickly, something I can sneak a vegetable into that Nathan won't notice. I want it to be something that will reheat well for when Adam gets home. And I don't want it to make a huge mess to prepare because I hate doing dishes.

Well. Today that ends. Sort of. I will still have to come home and prepare dinner for my family for the next two weeks. It will be something healthy and nutritious. But for the next two weeks my meals consist of protein shakes and a lot of water.

I'm not even sure how to end this post. Has anyone else revised from VSG to RNY for regain? What has your experience been like?

Word vomit.... dying mother. Help.

So, idk where to go or whom to talk to or with.

My mom is dying. We put her on hospice yesterday at her request. The knot in my stomach won't go away and I feel like I can't get a deep breath.

Since Nathan was six weeks old she has basically been bed ridden as a result of falling and breaking her femur. Two surgeries, a six month stint in a nursing home, a blood clot in the leg, another fall, dislodged blood clots moving to the lungs, congestive heart failure, kidney infection and failure.... and it all equals up to one extremely tired and worn out body.

My mother is not a small woman. She is so backed up with fluids that she is swollen to twice her normal size. Yesterday I was at the hospital all day and there was no urine output and what was already in the bag was so very dark. It looked like water that had been sitting in a rusty bowl for years.

Rachel and Alyse as always are actually probably the only thing between me and total....  I don't even know the word. Well, and Nathan. I hate leaving the hospital because I'm so scared my mother will die without me being there. But I so love the respite that I get when it's time to go home to Nathan and take care of him.

And today I have to go to work. Bills and landlords so not care if your parent is dying, so I still need to be earning money. Especially since it the next week or so it looks as if I will be taking off a chunk of time.

How can she be dying? She's still my mom. How is it she is still her with her smile and sense of humor, her barking orders and asking for this or that. How is it it feels like we've been at her bedside this sick for a hundred times before and she always rallies.

How is it she is dying? Doctors are saying this is terminal. Doctors are saying probably sooner rather than later. Doctors are saying it's bad enough that she was put on hospice. I helped filled out the paperwork. I signed paperwork.

My poor dad. He's so beside himself. He has devoted the last two years almost exclusively to taking care of her. I don't think he knows how to be Allen without Betsy. Do I know how to be Danielle without her mom?

I guess I'm about to find out.

February 2, 2015

SKIP TO 

Our son, Nathan David Moses, entered the world on Monday February 2, 2015 at 4:43 pm. He weighed 7lbs 5oz and was 19″. Our hearts have never been so filled with love and this overwhelming sense of all is right in the world now that he is here with us.

Friday I felt off. Very, very off. I left work early telling my manager that I just felt like crap, which was very true. I couldn’t focus, my mind felt weird, my body felt weird- I just didn’t feel right. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. But, there were still a few last minute errands that needed to be run, so I ran them. Saturday was much the same way with errands, homework, and laundry.

Sunday, I should have known something was going to happen. I was so emotionally inconsolable. Everything seemed to irritate me to anger or tears (sometimes both) and poor Adam just wanted a relaxing day off. We went to a show for his Dad’s band (check our Larry Moses and the Latin Explosion- they rock!) and then over to his Dad and Step-Mom’s for dinner. When we finally got home we just sort of sat in the car for awhile daydreaming about winning the lotto so we decided we should go get some scratch offs…. A wing and a prayer, right? Well we got back home and piddly puddled around until we went to bed around midnight.

At 1:20 in the morning I woke up for some reason. I figured hey, I’m already awake- might as well go pee. I went to the ladies room and there were signs of my water having broken but I wasn’t really sure because hey- I’ve never done this before. I quickly woke Adam up and told him something was going on and we called and spoke with the on call doctor who said I should come in and get checked out.

Easy peasy, right? Nope! We were in the midst of a snow storm. Jessica, who was to go to the hospital with us and be our ride wasn’t responding to calls and texts and the snow was really starting to come down. I wasn’t having any contractions so we weren’t even sure if this was going to be a fools run or not, so we just hopped in the car and I drove us to the hospital. On the way there I had a few “contractions” but doubted that’s what they were because they were no worse than period cramps.

It felt like we were in triage on the labor and delivery floor forever. After all vitals were recorded and I got hooked up to the monitors I was checked- and yup, my water had definitely broken! The nurse told me that we wouldn’t be leaving the hospital without a baby. I burst into tears. I was so scared in that moment. Were we ready? Did I have enough baby stuff? Was there enough food in the house? Did we remember to feed the cats? So much all at once. I think Adam may have had a slight moment of panic as well, but he hid it. Adam went down to the car to get all the bags while I was transferred into the room I would give birth in.

I started contracting a bit more regularly and although they hurt, it was more of an uncomfortable hurt than it was an excruciating hurt. We were all settled into our room by about 4:30 in the morning. At this point we started to let family know. Adam and I really didn’t want guests in the waiting room while I was in labor. Well, the snow storm took care of that for me as no one could get there. I labored some more and was 5cm dilated when my doctor, Dr. Menges came on shift at 8 a.m. When he checked me he promised my baby would be born before 5pm that night. I burst into tears again at relief that MY doctor would be delivering Nathan and not a doctor I’d never met.

Labored some more…. 11 a.m. comes around, a midwife comes around and I get checked again. 7cm this time. At this point out of boredom I’d put on makeup and attempted to fix up my hair. I hadn’t really been moaning or screaming with contractions although there were some grunts here and there. The midwife called me a rock star for making it so far with such little pain and with hair and makeup done.She had me jump in the shower and spend a half hour there thinking that within the next hour with the help of the shower relaxing me I could get to 10cm quickly. So, I showered and it felt GREAT!!

I think it was around 2 when Dr. Menges came back in and re-checked me. I was waiting to hear good news- but he told me I was still at 7cm. I wanted to cry. He explained that my water had only partially broken because the baby’s head ended up sealing things off and that he would like to break the remaining water in hopes that it would make my contractions stronger since they were so mild. So, water was broken completely. Let me tell you- grossest feeling ever but I was really glad to hear that the water was clear and that Nathan hadn’t gone to the bathroom inside me.

That’s when all hell broke lose. Contractions came on STRONG! This was just about the time that Adam started freaking out. He looked like a deer caught in head lights, but he never complained. He rubbed my feet, got me cold rags, held the cup while I puked…. And then his Dad called him and asked if it was okay if they came up because the snow had slowed down. Adam looked up at me with those big brown eyes and asked if it was okay with me and I could see how much he wanted someone there so I said sure. I was in full blown labor when Larry and Michelle popped their heads in, gave me a hug and wished me good luck. They then gracefully went to the waiting room and only got updates as Adam texted them.

I asked for pain medication. They were going to give me an IV drip of morphine. I started to get scared that a) morphine wouldn’t help enough and b) that by the time I wanted the epidural it would be too late. I was also nervous that morphine would make Nathan really tired and groggy and I wanted an awake baby! So epidural was ordered. Sitting still long enough for it to get inserted was one of the hardest things to do- I was in PAIN like nothing I’d ever felt before. And I was tired. There isn’t a word in the English language that fully describes how exhausted I was.  t

Slowly, oh so slowly, the contractions got better. And then within 20 minutes they felt worse again. The doctor who inserted the epidural waited to see if it just needed more time to kick in- and Dr. Menges checked me and I was at 10 cm. Finally. However, Nathan was still very high up and Dr. Menges wanted to give me pitocin to strengthen my contractions now that I couldn’t feel them so that my body would labor Nathan down on it’s own without me having to push yet. I labored this way until about 4:00 p.m. when suddenly I just had to deliver this baby because I wanted him to be born with MY doctor not some stranger. I began pushing and after 25 minutes or so Nathan’s heart rate started dropping as I would push.

Dr. Menges became concerned and words like vacuum extraction, NICU on standby, and emergency C-Section began to be tossed around. I was told if the vacuum popped off of Nathan’s head three times it would mean an automatic C-section. Dr. Menges started wondering if Nathan was a big baby and went over ultrasound statistics debating his size. As if terms like C-section and vacuum extraction weren’t bad enough- I was mostly concerned with NICU on standby. That was about 4:30. Oxygen was strapped to my face and I was told to push with all my might- and boy did I. Because they wanted Nathan out as quickly as possible I was given an episiotomy and what appeared to be a few minutes more of attempting to get him out without any interventions. Nathan entered the world at 4:43 p.m.

I didn’t even realize he was out I was so focused on pushing. But once he was out and Adam was crying and I saw Nathan- nothing else mattered.

Feeling like a beached whale....

Daddy giving Nathan some attention on Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are so in love and so excited to meet Nathan!

Years and years ago, my sister and I got lucky some how and we adopted two more sisters. I've outlined the relationship previously on this blog. Rachel and Alyse could not be more my sisters than if we came from the same sperm and egg cells. For about a decade we've had a tradition we call Sister Christmas. 

On Sister Christmas (Christmas Eve) we always get together play board games until the weee hours and end up at Denny's for a late night snack. This year we did Sister Christmas at The Moses residence (my place). Adam put out a spread of cheese and crackers and chips and guacamole, Alyse brought delicious no bake chocolate chip cookie dough that I could eat because it was made with no eggs (OMG! She is seriously my hero! I've so pissed cookie dough and pickles this pregnancy.)

We usually play Monopoly. But since Adam came into the picture I can't seem to win Monopoly and I'm a bad loser so I picked up Cards Against Humanity for us to play. 

Oh my goodness- when you're eight months pregnant and you play this game make sure you're wearing a panty liner!! We laughed and laughed so hard. It was really cleansing in so many ways. 

One of these days we may have to change the name of Sister Christmas. Adam had joined us every year since we met, and now Jessica is engaged to Nik and he came this year. Maybe next year my other soon to be brother-in-law Kurt will join us, and hopefully Alyse will meet someone as great as the rest of the brother-in-laws. But for now- it's still Sister Christmas. The guys should feel blessed we let them join us.

I hope that with Nathan being an infant next Christmas we will keep this tradition going. I love my sisters so much and since getting married I see them so much less often than I would like. We've all grown up and got jobs and school and responsibilities. I don't feel that the lack of seeing each other is anything other than growing pains... But I miss them. 

In other news De Moses.... Adam's foot surgery has been a success- but not as much of a success as we hoped for. His range of motion is improved- but not as much as desired. He isn't in as much pain, but he is still in pain. I think he feels a little guilty that he's been out of work for almost two months and that the surgery didn't help as much as he wanted it to.

I'm so grateful for any improvement. I'd go a year without him working if we had to just to get the improvement he has. When you love someone and they hurt physically the emotional pain you feel for them is no joke. 

He starts a new job tomorrow. I've so enjoyed having Adam home with me. I don't know how I'm going to handle lonely nights and weekends without him while caring for a newborn. But I'm excited for his new job. He was unhappy for so long at the old one and they really jerked him around with empty promises. He submitted his resume online to this new place and they called him later on that day or the next day that basically said "You're hired as soon as your doctor says you can go back to work. Let me know when you can start!" I'm so proud of him that his reputation is so great that he could get hired off of reputation alone. 

I am finally a college graduate. I have an associates degree in applied sciences- and still have a GPA of 3.6 after a semester that earned me two B's and one C. Oh well. I passed. I will have a degree (even if it is only an associates) to hang on the wall next to Adam's before our son is born.

Speaking of him being born- I can't wait. I'm miserable. I get up at night three times to pee, I'm huge, nothing fits, and my feet constantly throb from the swelling. I start my maternity leave from work February 13th and I just don't know how I'm going to survive until that time..... But hopefully things will work out and I won't have to go back to work until the end of May or beginning of June. That's my hope anyway. 

Well- that's enough of an update for now. 

Happy New Year!

Scariest day of my life

Last week at my twenty-four week checkup while in the waiting room to be called back we got a call from Adam's foot surgeon telling us his insurance wasn't going to pay for the surgery to fix his foot. My blood pressure at the appointment, was, needless to say slightly elevated.... A lot. So the doctor wanted to see me again in a week to check to see if things settled down.

Skip to today when said follow up appointment was to take place.

So this morning started out with Adam and I having a fight and him leaving for work and then more angry phone calls and hanging up on each other, lol. It was interesting. Then we both called an apologized and we planned to go about the rest of our days.

Adam's phone was out of minutes, so I made sure to re-plug in our house phone before leaving for work so I could call him after his blood work today to see how things went. When I plugged it into the electricity I got zapped. I didn't think anything of it and then went off to my appointment for the blood pressure re-check.

Blood pressure was perfect- everything was perfect. Then I mentioned to the doctor about the getting shocked and she decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. Well, the baby didn't do any "practice breathing" during the 30 minute scan.

Ultrasound tech sent me back up to the doctor. I start freaking out. Doctor calls me back in, says chances are it isn't a big deal because at twenty-five weeks the breathing thing isn't regular thing they do. However- she still wanted me monitored for a bit so she wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery to get hooked up and monitored for a few hours just to make sure his heart rate didn't do any dipping.

Well, I was alone. Adam had already left for work, I didn't know how to get in touch with him because his cell was out of minutes, and he wasn't answering our house phone. I called my sister hysterical and she told me to get my ass to the hospital and she'd hunt up my husband and get him to the hospital. Still freaking out, I took money from my rent to put minutes on Adam's phone so we could get in touch with him.

I get to the hospital, I get hooked up. I cry- A LOT. But there was his heartbeat, steady, strong, and consistent. He hated the pressure from the fetal monitors on my stomach and kept kicking out them. It was actually funny to watch.

Jessica and Adam kept taking turns with me in triage because they'd only let one person come stay in with me.

After two hours, I was given the all clear and told to follow up with my doctor again on Wednesday.

Picture from when I first got there, right after being told Nathan was okay, and Adam passed out in the waiting room.

Pregnancy and Weight Gain and Life- I'm more than just a VSG!

So, pregnant women are supposed to gain weight- we all know this. What they don't tell you as a female WLS patient who has not had children yet is that it is a mind game when it happens!

I'm 17w4d pregnant. Last year I got down to I think 178-9 pounds. After a rough winter of bordom, and limited finances = higher carb count than normal, I found myself gaining 20-25 pounds. I filled up the house with a WLS friendly supply of nutritious foods to work on losing the weight and found out I was pregnant. I quit smoking right then and probably ended up gaining another 5 pounds. At my first doctors appointment I weighed in at 210. I went down to 209 at the next appointment and was told by my doctor that had I not been pregnant it would easily have been closer to a 5 pound loss in that month. *sigh* oh well.

So, at my last appointment I tipped the scale at 217. My doctor is calling it a 7 pound pregnancy gain due to my starting weight. He thinks that is wonderful and that the average woman has gained between 5-10 pounds at this point.

I'm swollen and lets face it- I weighed maybe 190-195 when we picked out our wedding rings- I can't wear the wedding band, but my engagement ring fits... My double chin is creeping back in and I have a meltdown just about every morning while getting ready for work and I have to look in the mirror. Then I remind myself that I am growing another human being- a human being that I love so much more than I could ever love myself... Be it skinny self or 300+ pound self- I love the baby more!!

So, I'm okay with the weight gain. I plan to breast feed and everyone says that will help whip me back into shape a little faster- plus I'll be taking off three months when the baby comes so I won't be tempted by all the take out the girls order for lunch.

Now, I'm going to give you guys a huge photo dump.

Also, we've named our son. He will be named Nathan David and we love him so much. I love listening to his little heart with the doppler. Sometimes we can also hear him moving around with it. For a few weeks I've been able to get a sense of when he is active inside me, but not really feel him like feel him feel him. Well, two days ago I'm pretty sure I felt two little jabs at different points in the day.

We <3 him and can't wait to meet him!

This photo is me 4 weeks pregnant (on the left) and on the right at 17 weeks pregnant

Why I hate today...

Today is my cousin Joshua's 30th birthday. Growing up he and I were almost like twins, him being only two and a half months older than me. In school they made sure we never ended up in the same classes and that our lunch breaks were always separate from each other. One time they had to put us in the same math class because we were at the same math level and it was awesome.

Joshua taught me how to drive stick shift when I was 15 and he was already 16. We had parties in the driveway with dancing and music and always found a way to have fun.

He took me on many vacations I never would have been able to do without him.

And then lies ruined our family and I haven't talked to him in over a year. Today he's 30 and I don't get to hug him and joke with him and tease him about being an old man.

He's not gonna come to the hospital when I have our baby and be proud of yet another nephew. He's not gonna slap Adam on the back and congratulate him.

My son isn't going to know his kids and they aren't going to play together and be cousins with each other the way I grew up with cousins.

I don't want this for our son. I want my son to grow up with a big family the way I did. I want him to have lots of cousins around him.

I want my fucking family back and I hate the asshole who ruined everything.

I want my aunt around to help me pick things out for my son and to help me decorate a nursery. I want my cousins at the baby shower and I don't want it to be awkward.

I want things I can't have. What else is new.