On the weight loss front....

Did you ever reach a point in your journey when you were okay with how things were? Is it wrong to reach that point before hitting your goal weight?

My goal was always to be in the 160's. I knew that would still leave me with a little extra weight at my height of barely 5'4'', but that's what I wanted. Well, here I am holding strong in the 180's with a bout 10 pounds of loose skin so I technically count myself in the 170's and I'm okay with how things are.

I don't care anymore if I ever reach the 160's. I admit it. Every other goal I had for my weight loss has been met accept for the scale. I'm wearing the sizes I hoped I'd be but never really dreamed I'd be. In women's sizes I'm wearing size 8 pants, juniors either size 9 or 11. My tops now range depending on cut and style from a medium to an XL (mostly because of the skin on my stomach and my DD's).

Suddenly now that I'm married and REALLY living a life my priorities have shifted. I still try to eat healthy. There is always fresh fruit in our home, I eat salads all the time, try to do low carb. Admittedly I do not really exercise anymore but I stay active. Am I failure? In one way I feel like the biggest success for all I've accomplished both in weight loss and in my personal life.And then when I step on the scale and it isn't budging I feel mostly okay but then I think about logging into my weight loss Facebook and I find I don't want to for fear of having to admit that I'm not at goal- and worse to hear people be nasty that I'm okay with not being at goal.

For so long my life revolved around being overweight, and then I had surgery and it revolved around losing weight and following rules and getting healthy. Then I met Adam and fell in love and for the first time ever felt completely accepted just how I was. And I continued to lose weight after that. But here I am, with no changes in my weight since March really.

And then there is my father who had his VSG 2/8/13 and has lost well over 100 pounds already. He sees me still having weight to loose, he watches every bite I put in my mouth. Tries to get me to go for long walks in 100 degree heat, telling me it's time to loose the last of my weight. And I want to punch him in his mouth and I feel sort of like I created a monster.

Am I a failure because I don't feel like a failure? Am I a failure?

Two Month Anniversary

On the 25th Adam and I were officially married for two months. I feel like those two months have contained many highs and lows.

Of course the first week was nothing but bliss and happiness and rainbows and kittens.... Well, technically kitten because we only got one.

The second week saw us both sick and it took my close to two weeks to recover and also saw us have our first real fight we've had the entire time we've been together. During this time I didn't see my parents at all because I keep clear of my mom when I'm ill because she has to stop taking her arthritis medications when she gets sick and I hate to see her barely managed arthritis cause her so much pain. Those two weeks a melancholy set in that took me almost a month to snap out of.

My whole life I lived with my family and since the house burned down in 2005 there was ALWAYS someone at home. Suddenly with Adam working nights and me working days I had to learn how to be all by myself and that was hard.

After figuring out what had me so bummed out I had to figure out how to fix it. Problems was, there wasn't anyway to fix it. It was what it was.

Then after the first month came the settling in and really starting to adjust. Adam hates that I would leave my car keys on the counter, he can't stand when I don't clean as I cook and our tiny counter is covered in dishes. I hate the way he takes his socks off and leaves them all over the place, or the way he squeezes the toothpaste, or how he leaves his dishes all over the living room and can't be bothered to put them in the sink.

But if I've come to realize anything in these two months is that I have my life partner and we are going to make it all work. Dishes can get washed, I've learned to hang my keys on the coat hook, and he has gotten a bit better about his socks and leaving dishes around.

I've learned that my mom really was super woman. She used to keep her house spotless with a husband and two small children. Most days I find I can't even sweep without the darn kitten redistributing the dirt pile all over the place. We live close to a roadway and I hate that I can't seem to keep my floors clean. We don't have any carpet in our home, it's all hardwood, linoleum or tile. I'm hoping that next month when we have extra money and I buy a stick broom and steam mop that will change.

We're settling into a routine and I've started to enjoy being alone. Friday nights Jessica and I do dinner and a movie. Usually she buys something and I'll cook it (sissy misses my cooking) and we rent a movie and watch it at my apartment.

I knew money would be tight for us once we got married but I didn't realize it would be this tight CONSTANTLY! But, this too shall pass and Adam and I have found some fun things to do together that haven't cost us any money.

I love my husband and I'm thankful for him and all that he does for us and how hard he works on his broken foot. I love his passion for what he does for work and even envy him for it. I love knowing that these bumps will make us stronger for the future.

Adjusting.....

Last night Adam and I were at the diner grabbing a bite to eat when he mentioned us possibly moving to a different county next year. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about it so I didn't comment I just sat and thought. Why did this thought bother me? Was I scared? Was I stubborn? I thought about this all night long and I came to the realization.... I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me with all the changes to my life in the last two weeks. Now, please don't think these are bad changes. They are all wonderful changes that I've waited my entire life to make.

However, for the first time in my life I'm not living with my family. I'm sharing my bed with a man who is 6'2'' at least 250 pounds (meaning I'm not sleeping well), I'm married, I'm home alone a lot, and I miss my dog (We couldn't find an apartment we could afford that would let me keep her so she remains with my parents)..... It's just a lot to have happen. I talked/laughed/cried with my mom on the phone for an hour today. I was actually excited to go to my parents today and spend the day there but Adam is sick and if my mom gets sick she has to stop taking a medication that helps her a lot with her arthritis, so I cancelled those plans and stayed home. My mom called me while I was feeling sorry for myself and let me vent. She told me what I'm feeling is normal and that all newly weds have an adjustment period and to talk about things with Adam because he's adjusting too and we can help each other.

I know a lot of this probably seems so old school to some people. Most people wouldn't think of marrying someone they hadn't lived with first, but that isn't how I was raised, and that isn't what I wanted. I was blessed enough that I found a man who loves me enough to respect that. So when he got to the point he wanted us to live together- he put a ring on it!

I love my husband. I can't imagine my life with out him in it. I can't believe he hasn't always been a part of my life! I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time for our future together. I want to be a good wife for him and I can't wait to have his children. Well, yes I can wait because we are waiting- but the thought of creating another life with him, and him being a father to our children just... chokes me up.

We also got a kitten on our honeymoon. He had mentioned getting one several times and I kept saying no, that we weren't getting any more pets until I could have Gypsy with me. Well, his cat is old and not really much of a pet- to me at least- she waits at the door for Adam to get home every night- but I was lonely with out my dog and our lease allows for cats- not dogs. So.... Yeah.... Mu-Shoo is now nine weeks old and a total monster. He bites (playfully), he keeps us up at night, he doesn't listen at all. Sometimes I think I bit off more then I can chew with him. And it didn't really fix anything. If anything when he is misbehaving it kind of makes me miss Gypsy even more. *SIGH*

Adam's been at work for over twelve hours now and I miss him like crazy and can't wait for him to get home- whenever that will be.

Our Wedding

On May 25, 2013 Adam and I got married in front of our family and friends. 

It rained on and off all day and in the morning I was so disappointed by the rain, but now that it's over when I look back and remember things I don't remember the rain at all. 

Rachel and Alyse arrive at my parents house by 8 o'clock in the morning and we loaded up all of my wedding gear and off to the salon we went for hair and  makeup. The salon did a fabulous job on all of us and looking through the snap shots we've seen thus far the girls were absolutely beautiful.

After the salon it was off to our apartment to load up all the food Adam and I had spent all week cooking. The day before the wedding I spent 14 hours frying chicken and having panic attacks throughout the day. But it was so worth it. And the best part is, my cousins Noel, Lyn, and Kae all got to be there. They were a part of helping me get ready, they prayed with me and my sister right before the ceremony and made my day that much more special.

We finally got on the road to head to the hall around 1:15ish only to get ten minutes down the road and Adam realized he had forgotten his dress shoes. We had to turn around and he kept apologizing but I told him if that was the worst thing that happened that day we had it made!

We got to the hall and we had two hours to set up. Thanks to my husband, my sisters Jessica, Rachel, Alyse, Jessica's boyfriend Emil, and my new in laws we had it set up and looking quiet lovely in no time. Adam and his Mom worked miracles in the kitchen and I must say the center pieces I was so worried would be inadequate weren't so bad after all. I haven't seen any pictures of them yet, but I'm sure the photographer got some. I can't wait to see how her pictures turn out because so far the cell phone shots friends and family took are gorgeous so I can only imagine what the photographer came up with.

Speaking of which, the photographer is someone I went to beauty school and college with. Her and her husband have started a photography business and when it came down to picking a photographer, I couldn't think of anyone else to have done it and was so happy she got to be at the wedding.

The whole night is such a blur! There were little things that went wrong, but they are insignificant and not even worth writing about. Our wedding was perfect and he and I are so impressed with ourselves for the quality wedding we put together with $3,500. 

A special thank you to my new Aunt Ro-Ro who so generously paid for the hall for us.

And now, what you all really wanted to see anyway.... lol

Another moment brought to you by...... VSG Surgery

Two weeks ago I had a wonderful Bridal Shower. So many of my friends and some of my family made it. We played lame corny games, ate some tasty food, over indulged in cake, and opened gifts that helped Adam and I furnish our apartment.

And none of this.... NONE of it, not the bridal shower, not the wedding, not the engagement, the dating, or anything to do with Adam would have happened without my VSG. 

Back when I was starting to feel like I was ME again... (which was after about 75 pounds being lost) I talked with my friend Nikki about how I was feeling like I was ready to start dating again but didn't know how to go about it. I didn't like the thought of going out to a bar and meeting someone there.... Not my style AT all. So Nikki told me to go online and try a dating site. About a week later I sifted through my new skinny pictures and created a profile. Within days of creating that profile I went online to delete it because the messages I was receiving were disgusting and offensive. The mother of those men would be so ashamed if they had any idea that they ever thought some of the things they actually typed!

Well, logged in to delete my profile and ended up browsing through my matches and clicked into a few profiles. There was Adam with a silly picture taken in a bathroom mirror on a cell phone. I wish I could remember exactly what his profile read, but I remember that it really made me chuckle to myself so I decided to just say thanks to him for being a gentleman and that I found he was funny...... Well, our first date happened within the next two weeks and on May 25th he asked me to officially be his girlfriend....

And this year on May 25th I will say yes to being his wife in front of our family and friends. He gets up set when I talk about how my surgery was the best decision of my life. But he didn't know me before the surgery... Am I still the same girl I was? No, not at all. In some ways yes but in a lot of ways yes. But Adam would never have happened if I hadn't gained some confidence in myself and that confidence came because of losing weight that I wouldn't have lost with out the surgery. End of story.

Changes

So today begins yet another round of changes in my life. As if the last two years haven't been filled with them. But these are good changes. Changes that are supposed to take place as one grows into adulthood and begins new chapters.

But, I'm a little scared. Maybe scared isn't the right word. Perhaps nervous is better. I'm not sure.

Two weeks ago Adam and I signed lease papers on a tiny two bedroom apartment. Today we are moving him in and I will join him after the wedding. Yup, old fashioned Danielle strikes again.

Last night we rented a Uhaul van and drove it to his mom's house to load all of his belongings up to cart off to our apartment. It's barely seven o'clock in the morning and I didn't sleep very well last night and then I had a leg cramp at six and sleep was forgotten.

So here I sit down stairs at his mom's in the quiet of the morning with time to reflect. In 34 days my life will change completely, when I become Adam's wife. I will be moving out of my parents home and beginning my life as a wife. This is how things are supposed to happen. I've shared a little bit of my nerves with Adam but not too much because I don't want him to think I'm having second thoughts.

I admit for awhile when things were going all wrong I was so overwhelmed I wondered if it was God's way of telling me this isn't right. Things at work are a mess. We're so short staffed and everyone is on a short fuse there. I'm constantly worrying in the back of my mind if I'm about to lose my job or not, and he Adam and I are taking on more financial responsibility.

We've got the rent for May covered but I've been stressing how we are to save for June and still finish paying for the wedding. We really do live paycheck to paycheck right now, probably like most young couples our age. So there is stress about money. I had a physical in March so I could get my birth control renewed and had some irregular test results come back and have to go for some more extensive testing two weeks before the wedding. I'm scared about that but the doctor assures me it's nothing to worry about, just something they want to keep an eye on. It's still scary though. And then on top of all this.... The check engine light came on in my car.

The good news with the car is that it's covered by the warranty and I only have to spend my time getting it fixed, no actual money. But, back to my point. The night the check engine light came on I was freaked out. It was the night Adam bowls in a league and he had bowling to keep him occupied while I just had time to sit and stress more and more. All these thoughts came into my head wondering if it was a sign from God that this shouldn't be happening. The thoughts felt all wrong and I felt guilty for having them.

I went outside and was texting with my sister Jessica when I had the thought that it isn't God trying to keep Adam and I apart. God would never want two people who are committed to each other to abandon that commitment. It was Satan/Lucifer/The Devil (whatever you will) trying to keep us apart because it IS what God wants for Adam and I. This incredible feeling of peace came over me and I've had no doubts since then. If Satan is trying so hard to keep us apart there must be a reason for it. I don't need to know the reason however. I just need to remember that Adam and I are supposed to be together and we will fight through it all.

I had my bridal shower last weekend. We are so blessed to have the friends and family that we do. With all the gifts we received our kitchen is stocked full of needed items and my new wife wish of my own towels came true. Adam couldn't really understand why the towels and washcloths he had weren't good enough for me. But to put it simply without sounding like a jealous female- he had those towels while he lived with his ex. I don't begrudge him or have ill feelings about that- it was before me. Just like I have a past before him. However, the thought of the towels she used being in my home really grossed me out. So, thanks to my cousins we have all knew linens for the bathroom.

Oh- I forgot to mention. On top of moving him in today, we also have to meet with the man who will perform the marriage ceremony from my church. I'm a bit nervous about this meeting because I grew up in a very religious home even if I'm not particularly religious now. I believe in God and Christ is my Savior. However, I also believe that if EVERYONE just behaved like a good human being- we'd get where we want to go regardless of which faith we identify ourselves as. Adam however isn't religious at all and I'm nervous as to how he will handle today.

Time will tell I guess.

Here are a few pictures of the last week.

Adam and my first kiss in our apartment

Bridal Shower with my Bridesmaids

(Jessica, me, Rachel, Alyse)

Hanging my Hello Kitty magnets on the fridge

Getting Married

Friday night I was exhausted and I could tell Adam was too the second he got in the car after work. I had to go to Wal-Mart and pick up stuff for my Mom's birthday dinner the next night and the next train for Adam wasn't going to be for awhile so off to Wal-Mart we went.

When walking into this Wal-Mart there is a McDonald's on the left as soon as you go  through the double doors. I got all excited because they have Hello Kitty toys in the Happy Meal right now- so McDonald's it was for dinner. I always get the chicken nuggets and peel off the skin and usually will eat the apples first and if there is any room left after a few fries. Well, while we were sitting at McDonald's eating Adam decides it's time we should pick a date to get married.

I've wanted May 25th since the night he proposed and I realized it would be a Saturday. Why? Because May 25th will be the one year anniversary of him asking me to be his girlfriend. I think he would like to maybe make it sooner then that, but honestly I don't possibly see how we can make that happen.

March 2nd  is my dress fitting. Hopefully going to plan the Bridal Shower for April 13th. Alyse's is going to take pictures of Adam and I in the next few weeks for announcements. We need to find a place to have the actual reception. Figure out how many people we want to invite and figure out a budget. Collectively we probably have about $2,000 to pull this off with. And actually not even because I've given myself a $500 budget for my dress. I'm only getting married once and I want a pretty dress!

So yesterday was my Mom's birthday. Her sister decided to make it stressful by contacting us after having been asked for no further contact- through the police mind you. Well that turned into a big family thing and made it kind of hard for everyone to eat but we managed and had fun joking around with our guests.

After dinner and cake I was sort of snuggled into Adam on the couch and zoning out just allowing his arms around me to comfort me and give me some strength. He sort of blurps out of no where (at least it seemed that way, I really hadn't been following the conversation prior to that) that we would like to get married and we'd like it if my family was okay with that.

My Dad did not give me the reaction I always dreamed of. Maybe I should cut him some slack with all that's going on but honestly.... I was really kind of hurt by it. All he could really say was that after everyone in the family he just lost now he was going to be losing a daughter as well. He wouldn't even answer Adam for awhile and my Mom stepped in and saved the day.

My parents asked him what it was about me that makes him want to marry me and he had all the answers. I'm great, and funny, I'm a decent cook (coming from Chef Adam that's a compliment!), he loves how I make him feel, and a bunch of all the other standard sappy but oh so true answers. They then asked me what it was about Adam... And I couldn't answer. The more I thought about it the more choked up I got. Simply put, he's my everything- and how can you live with nothing after you've had everything?

So now the race is on to plan a wedding for $1,500.

Pray for me?