May 2014 Update

Back when I started this blog my life was so different. I think of all the things the led to my decision to remove 80+% of my stomach and I don't regret them one bit because they led me to where I am today, which is mostly happy. Through this process I've also learned that mostly happy is more than most can hope for out of life.

Last year my lowest recorded weight was 179.4. Today I sit here after a long boring winter at about 199. Let me tell you how much of a difference these extra 20 pounds are making in my mind. Twenty pounds shows in the way of my face feeling fuller, and those size 8-10s I was so happy to put on have been retired while I struggle emotionally with putting on a size 10-12. What happened?? How could I let this happen?? I don't blame anyone. I do the grocery shopping in our home... It's my fault. However, I will step on my soap box for a moment and rant.

Adam and I are a young couple starting out. Our little apartment costs what people in the south pay for a four bedroom split level. Our electric/gas bills this winter sucked up any disposable income and were just as high as our rent. While struggling to pay these bills, the 2.99/lb chicken breast took a back seat to the .99 box of pasta. Low carb wraps that run about $5 for 10 took a back seat to bread we could make at home with white flour. And well, the chocolate chip cookies, and honestly there were A LOT of them this winter- they were just slipping back into old habits of using food to make us feel good when we were so bored and unhappy because we were SO broke.

Well, I've just gotten back the 5% pay cut I took over a year and a half ago, and Adam's hours should be going back up in just two short weeks. Financially we need him to start working those hours again. Domestically- I can't stand the thought. Last summer was so lonely with him working and not getting home until hours after I'd gone to bed. I'd have gone crazy last year if it hadn't been for the Friday night sister dates with Alyse and Jessica. With Alyse living upstate now and Jessica being all wrapped up with her fiance (I truly shudder at that thought) this year I'm looking to better utilize my alone time.

I'm going to get out an explore the city we live in. I'm going to do this with my walking shoes on! I'm going to read and read until my eyes hurt. I'm going to catch up on tv, and I'm going to walk some more. I will get these 20 pounds off and hopefully more.

I've received the go ahead from my doctor that we can try to start our family. The last year dealing with HPV and several other nasty procedures have left me feeling anxious as ever about starting our family. I want one so badly. I think to myself "How can we possibly have a baby? We could barely pay the gas bill this winter!" But ya know what, we'll find a way. We've done everything on our own with VERY little help from anyone. We did what we could with the money from our wedding, his grandma surprised with a few hundred dollars a few months after the wedding. I may do some grocery shopping from time to time in my parents pantry, and Jessica has been quick to slip some of my items into her items at the checkout, but when it comes to the actual BILLS we've done it on our own and we would for a baby as well.

Our one year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching. I can't believe we've been married for almost a year. I can't believe I have a different last name. (Nor can I believe how incredibly annoying it is to have to change your last name on EVERY FRICKEN thing under the sun!)

I'm also taking a semester off from school. The school I attend has a three semester system with most students doing two on track semesters and one off track where they can chose to take online classes or just enjoy their life. Well, since I started in 2010 I have done all three semesters and I'm tired! So, I'm taking one off. I'm hoping that after this relaxing summer I am planning when September comes around I will have regained some of my enthusiasm for finishing a bachelors degree.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm just not sure what to share and what to keep to myself, lol. This blog was once upon a time only about my weight loss surgery. Then I met Adam and it quickly became about my life as a whole and stopped being so much about weight loss.

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I can't wait to see what the next year holds in store for my husband and I. Will we become parents? Will I manage to lose the extra weight? Will he finally get the promotion he has worked so hard for? Will I finally motivate myself enough to find another job? (Honestly, I make an okay wage for where I work and I have two weeks of paid vacation, a week of sick time, and health insurance that I pay very little into- it makes deciding to leave a very weighty decision these days.)

And the beat goes on......

Back in March of 2013 I went for my annual PAP because I was getting married and wanted to renew my prescription for birth control and that was about the only way to get it. So off I went, no big deal really. I've been seeing my PCP (who can do PAPs) since before I had boobs and she is a sweetheart. She was excited for my upcoming nuptials and to hear all about Adam, and I was only to happy to gush about him.

Well, a week or so after that I got a call from her to discuss the lab results. That was odd to me because in the past I've always just gotten a call from the nurse telling me all was well. Well, this time it wasn't. My lab results came back showing low grade dysplasia. What is dysplasia you ask? The definition Google returned to me was "The enlargement of an organ or tissue by the proliferation of cells of an abnormal type, as a developmental disorder or an early stage in the development of cancer." Sounds scary, right? Well it is!

I had to follow up with an actual GYN and had a colposcopy done. Ready for another wonderful Google definition? "Colposcopy is a medical diagnostic procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva. Many premalignant lesions and malignant lesions in these areas have discernible characteristics which can be detected through the examination." Basically you get up on the table, put your feet in stirrups, and then the doctor swabs the cervix and then looks at it with binoculars. If he sees something funky he takes this tool that looks kind of like toe nail clippers with a really long handle and snips at the funk so it can go to the lab.  This was done two weeks prior to our wedding. I prayed hard between the extreme uterine cramping that it would all just be a nightmare and all would come back okay. Well, it didn't. 

I had HPV. 

This can be sexually transmitted or something that just occurs on its own. My sister now freaked out goes for her annual, and she goes through all the same stuff. We get hooked up at my bridal shower with my cousin on my Dad's side- and she's gone through it too. One day a conversation with my grandmother reveals that she had cervical cancer in her 40s or 50s. 

So, the doctor suggests playing the waiting game. Often times the body will clear up the virus on its own and there is not need for further treatment. Come back in six months and do another pap. 

I got married and settled into being a wife, a student, and employee, a daughter, and a sister. I didn't think about it much and before I knew it my six months were upon me. That PAP came back funky too. So another lovely colposcopy. I got a call from his medical assistant on a Thursday asking me to come into the office on Monday to discuss the results. I asked if we could do it by phone then and there but the doctor was in surgery. Crap was hitting the fan at my job and I couldn't take the time off from work without feeling like I was jeopardizing my job. She couldn't tell me anything about the results because the doctor hadn't told her it was okay to do so. 

Well, I went home that night and I was a zombie. Did I have cancer? Would I be able to have children? Adam and I had been talking about starting our family a lot lately. We want children. I told Adam and it was a terrible night. We fought so badly and a plate got broken, and I ended up on the floor crying uncontrollably. I needed him to be there for me and he was being a jerk. Well, upon him seeing me reduced to hysterical tears he held me and apologized and shared with me how scared he was too. We cried together.

I knew we couldn't wait through the weekend without the results, so I called the doctors office Friday morning and demanded someone get on the phone with me and tell me what MY medical records held. A nurse got on the phone with me and all she could tell me was that it WAS NOT cancer. Okay! PHEW! I was prepared for it to come back as pre-cancerous, I knew this was a possibility. No big, we'll freeze the shit and get on with life.

This one came back as high grade dysplasia. The doctor didn't think it was a good idea to play the waiting game anymore, and he didn't feel as though the freezing treatment was the best option either. We skipped all that and went right in for a LEEP. Ready for more Google??? "Similar to conization but performed in the office. The piece of the cervix is removed with a wire loop." 

I was knocked out for this one, thank god. 

All went well. The pathology on it came back fine, in fact it showed low grade dysplasia, not high grade. Which means my body was probably on the road to clearing it up. They are so confident they got all the ick and that things will be fine from here on out that typically they have you come in after for another PAP 3-4 months after the procedure, they told me I didn't have to come back for it for 4-6 months. 

I will be going for the 3-4 months though. Adam and I want to have a baby. (Alyse, you're the only real life person who reads this- keep your mouth shut lol)

The reason I'm sharing all of this is that if my sharing it gets ONE woman to go out and get checked- it's worth it. 

Now, for me, I don't believe this was anything that happened to my because of having sex. The research that I've done suggests it can come from many different things. Given my family history of my gma having cervical cancer, my cousin and my sister all being hit with the same thing- it seems like it could be more genetic. I could be wrong. Also, a compromised immune system can bring it on as well. The list of vitamins that you can be deficient in being contributors is nuts-o. Guess who hasn't taken her post bariatric surgery vitamins in about a year? This girl!

Well, no more. Amazon delivered to my door my vitamins yesterday. I took them this morning (and I'm remembering why I stopped taking them, I feel like crap for a little while after) and I'm going to be taking them everyday. They sit in the kitchen on top of the coffee canister so I can't even have my morning cup of joe without being reminded to take them. Also, these vitamins have been approved by my OB/GYN as more that sufficient for the folic acid needs of getting and being pregnant. 

So, two more weeks of no sex- and then it's baby making time! (Hopefully!)

Overcome

Right now I'm sitting in a bowling alley while Adam bowls in a league with his Dad. We do this every week. He bowls and I cheer him on and love him even when he bowls badly. 

Tonight he is subbing in a different league and I'm watching him bowl and doing my normal cheering on and I was just struck by how much I love him and can't imagine life without him. I want to gush and be girlie and even more want to be in his arms right now- and since there is no one around and he continues to bowl- you all get to hear about how much I love him. He's my best friend and my partner. 

I wish you all the happiness and love I feel for this man. 

On the weight loss front....

Did you ever reach a point in your journey when you were okay with how things were? Is it wrong to reach that point before hitting your goal weight?

My goal was always to be in the 160's. I knew that would still leave me with a little extra weight at my height of barely 5'4'', but that's what I wanted. Well, here I am holding strong in the 180's with a bout 10 pounds of loose skin so I technically count myself in the 170's and I'm okay with how things are.

I don't care anymore if I ever reach the 160's. I admit it. Every other goal I had for my weight loss has been met accept for the scale. I'm wearing the sizes I hoped I'd be but never really dreamed I'd be. In women's sizes I'm wearing size 8 pants, juniors either size 9 or 11. My tops now range depending on cut and style from a medium to an XL (mostly because of the skin on my stomach and my DD's).

Suddenly now that I'm married and REALLY living a life my priorities have shifted. I still try to eat healthy. There is always fresh fruit in our home, I eat salads all the time, try to do low carb. Admittedly I do not really exercise anymore but I stay active. Am I failure? In one way I feel like the biggest success for all I've accomplished both in weight loss and in my personal life.And then when I step on the scale and it isn't budging I feel mostly okay but then I think about logging into my weight loss Facebook and I find I don't want to for fear of having to admit that I'm not at goal- and worse to hear people be nasty that I'm okay with not being at goal.

For so long my life revolved around being overweight, and then I had surgery and it revolved around losing weight and following rules and getting healthy. Then I met Adam and fell in love and for the first time ever felt completely accepted just how I was. And I continued to lose weight after that. But here I am, with no changes in my weight since March really.

And then there is my father who had his VSG 2/8/13 and has lost well over 100 pounds already. He sees me still having weight to loose, he watches every bite I put in my mouth. Tries to get me to go for long walks in 100 degree heat, telling me it's time to loose the last of my weight. And I want to punch him in his mouth and I feel sort of like I created a monster.

Am I a failure because I don't feel like a failure? Am I a failure?

Two Month Anniversary

On the 25th Adam and I were officially married for two months. I feel like those two months have contained many highs and lows.

Of course the first week was nothing but bliss and happiness and rainbows and kittens.... Well, technically kitten because we only got one.

The second week saw us both sick and it took my close to two weeks to recover and also saw us have our first real fight we've had the entire time we've been together. During this time I didn't see my parents at all because I keep clear of my mom when I'm ill because she has to stop taking her arthritis medications when she gets sick and I hate to see her barely managed arthritis cause her so much pain. Those two weeks a melancholy set in that took me almost a month to snap out of.

My whole life I lived with my family and since the house burned down in 2005 there was ALWAYS someone at home. Suddenly with Adam working nights and me working days I had to learn how to be all by myself and that was hard.

After figuring out what had me so bummed out I had to figure out how to fix it. Problems was, there wasn't anyway to fix it. It was what it was.

Then after the first month came the settling in and really starting to adjust. Adam hates that I would leave my car keys on the counter, he can't stand when I don't clean as I cook and our tiny counter is covered in dishes. I hate the way he takes his socks off and leaves them all over the place, or the way he squeezes the toothpaste, or how he leaves his dishes all over the living room and can't be bothered to put them in the sink.

But if I've come to realize anything in these two months is that I have my life partner and we are going to make it all work. Dishes can get washed, I've learned to hang my keys on the coat hook, and he has gotten a bit better about his socks and leaving dishes around.

I've learned that my mom really was super woman. She used to keep her house spotless with a husband and two small children. Most days I find I can't even sweep without the darn kitten redistributing the dirt pile all over the place. We live close to a roadway and I hate that I can't seem to keep my floors clean. We don't have any carpet in our home, it's all hardwood, linoleum or tile. I'm hoping that next month when we have extra money and I buy a stick broom and steam mop that will change.

We're settling into a routine and I've started to enjoy being alone. Friday nights Jessica and I do dinner and a movie. Usually she buys something and I'll cook it (sissy misses my cooking) and we rent a movie and watch it at my apartment.

I knew money would be tight for us once we got married but I didn't realize it would be this tight CONSTANTLY! But, this too shall pass and Adam and I have found some fun things to do together that haven't cost us any money.

I love my husband and I'm thankful for him and all that he does for us and how hard he works on his broken foot. I love his passion for what he does for work and even envy him for it. I love knowing that these bumps will make us stronger for the future.

Adjusting.....

Last night Adam and I were at the diner grabbing a bite to eat when he mentioned us possibly moving to a different county next year. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about it so I didn't comment I just sat and thought. Why did this thought bother me? Was I scared? Was I stubborn? I thought about this all night long and I came to the realization.... I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me with all the changes to my life in the last two weeks. Now, please don't think these are bad changes. They are all wonderful changes that I've waited my entire life to make.

However, for the first time in my life I'm not living with my family. I'm sharing my bed with a man who is 6'2'' at least 250 pounds (meaning I'm not sleeping well), I'm married, I'm home alone a lot, and I miss my dog (We couldn't find an apartment we could afford that would let me keep her so she remains with my parents)..... It's just a lot to have happen. I talked/laughed/cried with my mom on the phone for an hour today. I was actually excited to go to my parents today and spend the day there but Adam is sick and if my mom gets sick she has to stop taking a medication that helps her a lot with her arthritis, so I cancelled those plans and stayed home. My mom called me while I was feeling sorry for myself and let me vent. She told me what I'm feeling is normal and that all newly weds have an adjustment period and to talk about things with Adam because he's adjusting too and we can help each other.

I know a lot of this probably seems so old school to some people. Most people wouldn't think of marrying someone they hadn't lived with first, but that isn't how I was raised, and that isn't what I wanted. I was blessed enough that I found a man who loves me enough to respect that. So when he got to the point he wanted us to live together- he put a ring on it!

I love my husband. I can't imagine my life with out him in it. I can't believe he hasn't always been a part of my life! I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time for our future together. I want to be a good wife for him and I can't wait to have his children. Well, yes I can wait because we are waiting- but the thought of creating another life with him, and him being a father to our children just... chokes me up.

We also got a kitten on our honeymoon. He had mentioned getting one several times and I kept saying no, that we weren't getting any more pets until I could have Gypsy with me. Well, his cat is old and not really much of a pet- to me at least- she waits at the door for Adam to get home every night- but I was lonely with out my dog and our lease allows for cats- not dogs. So.... Yeah.... Mu-Shoo is now nine weeks old and a total monster. He bites (playfully), he keeps us up at night, he doesn't listen at all. Sometimes I think I bit off more then I can chew with him. And it didn't really fix anything. If anything when he is misbehaving it kind of makes me miss Gypsy even more. *SIGH*

Adam's been at work for over twelve hours now and I miss him like crazy and can't wait for him to get home- whenever that will be.

Our Wedding

On May 25, 2013 Adam and I got married in front of our family and friends. 

It rained on and off all day and in the morning I was so disappointed by the rain, but now that it's over when I look back and remember things I don't remember the rain at all. 

Rachel and Alyse arrive at my parents house by 8 o'clock in the morning and we loaded up all of my wedding gear and off to the salon we went for hair and  makeup. The salon did a fabulous job on all of us and looking through the snap shots we've seen thus far the girls were absolutely beautiful.

After the salon it was off to our apartment to load up all the food Adam and I had spent all week cooking. The day before the wedding I spent 14 hours frying chicken and having panic attacks throughout the day. But it was so worth it. And the best part is, my cousins Noel, Lyn, and Kae all got to be there. They were a part of helping me get ready, they prayed with me and my sister right before the ceremony and made my day that much more special.

We finally got on the road to head to the hall around 1:15ish only to get ten minutes down the road and Adam realized he had forgotten his dress shoes. We had to turn around and he kept apologizing but I told him if that was the worst thing that happened that day we had it made!

We got to the hall and we had two hours to set up. Thanks to my husband, my sisters Jessica, Rachel, Alyse, Jessica's boyfriend Emil, and my new in laws we had it set up and looking quiet lovely in no time. Adam and his Mom worked miracles in the kitchen and I must say the center pieces I was so worried would be inadequate weren't so bad after all. I haven't seen any pictures of them yet, but I'm sure the photographer got some. I can't wait to see how her pictures turn out because so far the cell phone shots friends and family took are gorgeous so I can only imagine what the photographer came up with.

Speaking of which, the photographer is someone I went to beauty school and college with. Her and her husband have started a photography business and when it came down to picking a photographer, I couldn't think of anyone else to have done it and was so happy she got to be at the wedding.

The whole night is such a blur! There were little things that went wrong, but they are insignificant and not even worth writing about. Our wedding was perfect and he and I are so impressed with ourselves for the quality wedding we put together with $3,500. 

A special thank you to my new Aunt Ro-Ro who so generously paid for the hall for us.

And now, what you all really wanted to see anyway.... lol