Why I hate today...

Today is my cousin Joshua's 30th birthday. Growing up he and I were almost like twins, him being only two and a half months older than me. In school they made sure we never ended up in the same classes and that our lunch breaks were always separate from each other. One time they had to put us in the same math class because we were at the same math level and it was awesome.

Joshua taught me how to drive stick shift when I was 15 and he was already 16. We had parties in the driveway with dancing and music and always found a way to have fun.

He took me on many vacations I never would have been able to do without him.

And then lies ruined our family and I haven't talked to him in over a year. Today he's 30 and I don't get to hug him and joke with him and tease him about being an old man.

He's not gonna come to the hospital when I have our baby and be proud of yet another nephew. He's not gonna slap Adam on the back and congratulate him.

My son isn't going to know his kids and they aren't going to play together and be cousins with each other the way I grew up with cousins.

I don't want this for our son. I want my son to grow up with a big family the way I did. I want him to have lots of cousins around him.

I want my fucking family back and I hate the asshole who ruined everything.

I want my aunt around to help me pick things out for my son and to help me decorate a nursery. I want my cousins at the baby shower and I don't want it to be awkward.

I want things I can't have. What else is new.