Thursday, January 19, 2017

Word vomit.... dying mother. Help.

So, idk where to go or whom to talk to or with.

My mom is dying. We put her on hospice yesterday at her request. The knot in my stomach won't go away and I feel like I can't get a deep breath.

Since Nathan was six weeks old she has basically been bed ridden as a result of falling and breaking her femur. Two surgeries, a six month stint in a nursing home, a blood clot in the leg, another fall, dislodged blood clots moving to the lungs, congestive heart failure, kidney infection and failure.... and it all equals up to one extremely tired and worn out body.

My mother is not a small woman. She is so backed up with fluids that she is swollen to twice her normal size. Yesterday I was at the hospital all day and there was no urine output and what was already in the bag was so very dark. It looked like water that had been sitting in a rusty bowl for years.

Rachel and Alyse as always are actually probably the only thing between me and total....  I don't even know the word. Well, and Nathan. I hate leaving the hospital because I'm so scared my mother will die without me being there. But I so love the respite that I get when it's time to go home to Nathan and take care of him.

And today I have to go to work. Bills and landlords so not care if your parent is dying, so I still need to be earning money. Especially since it the next week or so it looks as if I will be taking off a chunk of time.

How can she be dying? She's still my mom. How is it she is still her with her smile and sense of humor, her barking orders and asking for this or that. How is it it feels like we've been at her bedside this sick for a hundred times before and she always rallies.

How is it she is dying? Doctors are saying this is terminal. Doctors are saying probably sooner rather than later. Doctors are saying it's bad enough that she was put on hospice. I helped filled out the paperwork. I signed paperwork.

My poor dad. He's so beside himself. He has devoted the last two years almost exclusively to taking care of her. I don't think he knows how to be Allen without Betsy. Do I know how to be Danielle without her mom?

I guess I'm about to find out.


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