Well then. I just logged in to update on my life as I start a two week liquid diet prior to having my sleeve converted to RNY. I didn't realize just how log it has been since I've written anything here.

My mother passed January 20, 2017. Life got HARD! I still struggle daily with not being able to call her when Nathan does something she would find amusing. I hate getting in the car and knowing I can't call her just to chit chat like I always did. I hate that her clothes I have stashed away in my closet are losing "her" smell.

I struggled for a few months after her passing with depression on my own before I went to my doctor for help. I was started on antidepressants and gained some weight. I had my yearly physical in 2017 and found out I have an under active thyroid. I gained weight. My PCOS flared up and my periods have gotten wonky, I'm having issues with skin discoloration, and facial hair.

In November of 2017 I left a job I had been at for nearly a decade and started working for an amazing company! I could never have realized how much the old job was sucking away at my life and energy until I left. I have some really great co-workers and my boss really is amazing. She has a get it done attitude and nothing is below her.

Since Nathan's birth I had gained almost 80 pounds. I've struggled a lot the last few months to lose some weight. I've gone from 279 and weighed in this morning at 267.

My husband is on the fence about me having surgery. My boss doesn't understand how someone would be so willing to have anatomy rearranged. I don't understand how I got here again.

My new surgeon, Dr. Vaydim Meytes, has insinuated that it wasn't all me. He believes wholeheartedly that  sleeve surgery was and still is so new that they don't have a lot of long term data. Throw in PCOS with VSG and the data is even more limited to show success rates. He has also indicated that a lot of it could also be how my surgery was done and where my previous surgeon was at in his career and technique.

I've also developed a lot of symptoms of GERD since I started this process. This was confirmed by an endoscopy procedure. So in all honesty, even without the weight gain I was heading towards a revision anyway.

I want to believe that all of these factors are the cause of my regain. I want it to not be my fault. And yeah, I really have had some health issues smack me in the face that have caused some weight gain. But I've also found comfort and solace in foods I know I shouldn't be eating. It is hard to feel like you are living a life you have no control over. Things just keep happening no matter how hard you are trying that seem to be working against you. You can't control all the chaos. But you know what you can control? What you eat. In a life where you are constantly looking for the next bomb to drop you start to looking for ANYTHING positive to look forward to. Like your next snack or meal.

I can spend all day at work contemplating dinner in my mind. It will need to be something I can't get Nathan to eat, it'll need to be cooked rather quickly, something I can sneak a vegetable into that Nathan won't notice. I want it to be something that will reheat well for when Adam gets home. And I don't want it to make a huge mess to prepare because I hate doing dishes.

Well. Today that ends. Sort of. I will still have to come home and prepare dinner for my family for the next two weeks. It will be something healthy and nutritious. But for the next two weeks my meals consist of protein shakes and a lot of water.

I'm not even sure how to end this post. Has anyone else revised from VSG to RNY for regain? What has your experience been like?