Project Transfer Addiction?

So if you read my last blog entry, you know how chaotic my life is right now. I've not been dealing with things well and I'm not sure how to cope anymore with things because my old solace, food, is no longer available to me.

In the past two weeks a must have spent a few hours standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open staring inside looking for something to make me feel better. Last nights left over protein (be in chicken, steak, pork) wouldn't look appealing. I didn't feel like cooking eggs. Cheese wasn't agreeing with my stomach. I still can't stand the thought of yogurt. Oh there- behind the milk. A sugar free Jello pudding snack- how you doin? I'd reach for it, open it up and scoop out some with a finger and into my mouth. For a blissful minute I'd let it wash over my tongue and savor it. Then I'd snap out of it, ask myself what I was doing and into the trash the open pudding snack would go. I'd walk away from the refrigerator for awhile. However, it wasn't long before I was standing back in front of it spacing out as I stared inside.

Well, I decided that instead of spacing out in front of all that food, I'd get lost in Pinterest. At least there I can stare at the food without the door to the fridge open. There I can look at recipes and try to figure out a way to make them healthier and maybe try cooking them. That was just boring. So over to browsing the "Women's Fashion" section. I saw the cutest pair of Victoria's Secret yoga pants under that category and ended up on Victoria's Secret website. Could I possibly fit in to some of their stuff now?

I quickly found myself caught up in all the things I could now buy from them. Panties, shirts, sweat pants, pajamas.. Just about everything but a dang bra because these girls haven't done any shrinking. If anything I went from a 46DD to a 40DDD. Go figure. For a little while, I was HAPPY again. After adding everything into my shopping cart that I added as a "what if", I had over $1,000 worth of items in there. HOLY COW! I quickly removed the majority of it. I left 5 pairs of panties as they were running a special 5/$25. I left a pair of yoga pants (the same ones I saw on pinterest), a pair of pajamas that were on clearance, and a PINK hoodie. All together it was still about $90 worth of stuff. But I thought to myself "Oh, your so happy about the THOUGHT of being able to fit into them. How happy will you be if you buy them?" Part of me was too excited to wait for shipping, but a larger part of me was too nervous to go into the store and try to purchase them. If I ordered them and I was still too fat for them- no one would know but me. I could simply return them through the mail and no one would need to know Danielle was still a fatty trying to wear skinny girl clothes.

Well, I logged into my bank account to see if I could afford this transaction. There was $37.86 left after bills and all the expenses of the week with my mother in the hospital and then running around with my Dad seeking legal advice, and comfort from outside sources. So what did dumb ass Danielle do? She applied for a VS charge card.... Never dreaming I'd be approved. In the last two months money had been tight and a few bills had been paid late and I was sure my credit had been badly hurt by it. WRONG! I was approved..... And I made the purchase. I excitedly waited the week it took for my items to arrive. New panties, clothes I'd always dreamed of owning. Oh how I waited! I was scared that the panties would be too small and that I was pretty sure I was insane for ordering a size medium in the yoga pant. WRONG AGAIN!

The mediums fit perfectly in the waist- they were just WAY too long. The pajamas that I ordered in a large because I'm bigger on top then on the bottom, were WAY too big. What- VS clothing TOO BIG?!?!?

I didn't mind having to return the items that didn't fit well. The problem with this purchase? The happiness didn't last long and it lead to more purchases and over spending myself.

The worst part of all this? I couldn't share it with Noel. We've done everything together with this journey and celebrated the losses and cried over the struggles together with this. When she fit into her first size 14- I was there high fiving her, and buying her a paid of Juicy sweat pants to celebrate. For my birthday she got me my first pair of size 11s. We've done this all together, right down to the same damn day for surgery. And now she's gone to me and I'm left doing this all alone with no one to really share my joy with. I can't share it with Jessica because it just makes her feel worse about herself. Rachel isn't the girly girl to REALLY get into enjoying it- and Alyse is living her own life and dealing with enough of her own issues with her bf, graduating, applying to grad school, and trying to find a job.

In the last week I've purchases over 15 pairs of panties (all from VS, either 5/$25 deals or out of the clearance bin), hoodies, and lotions. Then from various other places I've purchased makeup, shoes, bags, and.... an iPad. All the while knowing that the happiness from these purchases was only temporary and that I would have to deal with the guilt of spending the money sooner rather than later.

Before I would have eaten cookies, popcorn, chips, fried foods, pizza, and God only knows what else while dealing with all this. I would have gained weight and felt even worse about myself. I know in the back of my mind that tax returns are coming and I'll pay off this bit of extravagant debt.

I know what I've been doing to comfort myself, and I know that it really isn't working. In fact, I'll end up making myself more stressed out by going further into debt.

Adam is seeing a new side of me with all of this and it worries me a little bit that maybe he'll realize this is all too much for him. Me and my issues. When I showed him the iPad- all he could really say was "Can you afford this?" - because he knows I really can't. I need to prove to him that I'm responsible and that together we will make a team that can over come everything. I need to show him I will be a responsible wife and not get us into trouble financially. *sigh*

Well.. That's enough of Danielle baring her soul for now. Here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I've still managed to smile for the camera... Go figure.

So This is What Hell on Earth Feels Like.....

I know it is best not to air ones dirty laundry to the world but sometimes there just isn't anyone else to turn to because everyone you would have once turned to is involved or gone. Besides, I don't believe many people read this blog and the one person who reads it from real life already knows and has stood by our side.

New Years Eve day my mother was admitted into the hospital with a bacterial pneumonia. I got the call from my father around noon that day and sped my way from work to the hospital where Elders from our church had just arrived to give my mother a blessing. She had passed out in the car on the way to the hospital and gave my father a good scare. He was beside himself at the hospital waiting for doctors to see my mom.

So Mom gets admitted, we all go home and are in bed by 10 o'clock. Who gives a flip about watching a stinking old ball drop anyway. It was so sad to watch my mom cry about having to spend her first new years in 32 years away from my father, and watching him brush away a tear from her cheek and say "That's okay, we'll have plenty more."

Tuesday morning I spend at the hospital, heading to Adam's around lunch time because guess what?!? Today is the day he is moving out of his apartment!! I spend the day helping him pack, cleaning up the apartment, renting a Uhual (that I actually drove for a few miles before having to enlist my father's help for the long haul), and then loading and unloading said Uhaul.

Wednesday, and Thursday I work and head to the hospital right after for a few hours. I took off Friday and Saturday knowing there was lots to do to get the house ready for Mom to be released. On my way up to the hospital Friday morning I stopped to my Aunt's house to give my cousin Noel her birthday present before going to the hospital. It was kind of early, around 9:30 or so. Noel quickly had to leave to go pick her dad up from dialysis and my other cousin couldn't seem to get back to bed fast enough (she drops her Dad off ad dialysis at like 5am) so I just left not really thinking anything of the fact that everyone seemed to not be able to get away from me quick enough.

I head to my home town to do some shopping because I desperately needed jeans. I scored big time at the Salvation Army, getting about 5 pairs of jeans, several shirts, a corduroy jacket, and a tshirt for Adam, all for $50. NICE!!

So up to the hospital I headed. Mom isn't being released until Sunday at the earliest, I spend several hours at the hospital and then head off for a date night with Adam because we haven't seen each other since Tuesday and was craving to have him just be around me. We went to a diner and ate some yummy food and as we were heading out of the parking lot my sister calls me. Apparently there were several voice mails on our phone from an investigator looking for my father......... She wanted to know if I knew what it was about. Of course I didn't but Daddy would be leaving the hospital to head home soon and we'd find out then.

I dropped Adam off at the train and headed home, thinking my sister and I would just crash and watch a movie and head to bed. It had been a very long week after all.

Well, dad gets home calls in the investigator and finds out it has to do with an on going investigation with my cousin's three year old. Dad tells the investigator to head on over to the house without delay. Jessica and I scramble picking up the house, putting clothes back on in case we need to run out the door. We even went so far as to take off all of our jewelry in case we had to go kick some ass.

Investigator comes and confirms our worst fears. The little girl has been molested and my father is a suspect. My father who has never once been alone with this child, wouldn't even let this little girl sit on his lap, a little girl my father loves to pieces, a little girl who looks just like me as a child. My father adamantly said he had never touched the little girl in a bad way and said he would take a lie detector test to prove it. The investigator leaves and my father was hysterical. This was his worst fear come true. And now we had to worry about my mother finding out while she is in the hospital already very ill.

I gave my father one of my xanax and he laid down in bed almost hyperventilating and Jessica and I locked ourselves in her room and went over game plan. We couldn't come up with one, so we went and crawled up in bed with our father to give him our support and show him we didn't think for one second it was him.

In the mean time my heart is absolutely breaking at the thought of someone touching this little girl. I don't often speak about the fact that I was a sexually abused child because it's no ones business. And NO IT WAS NOT BY MY FATHER!!! It was the son of a family friend. But this little girl looks so much like me when I was little. She was like my second chance. A chance to see how I would grow up without that happening and now it was robbed from her too.

So Jessica and I are laying in bed with our dad offering him whatever comfort we can and just letting him talk incoherently. He was so worried about my mother. It was about 11 at night January 4th. The idea came to me that we should go to the hospital and tell her tonight before anyone else (her sister or the police) could get to her before us. So we packed up, made sure we had enough xanax on us and headed to the hospital. I don't know how I drove that night- I certainly wasn't really paying attention to the road. We stopped at the nurses station and informed them that we were about to tell my mother about a death in the family and to please check on us in a few minutes in case my mother needed anything because of the news.

The panic in my mothers eyes as we walked into her hospital room was so apparent, I lied and told her we were just coming to have a slumber party with her because she shouldn't be allowed to have all the fun by herself. We kept that up for a few minutes and then I had to tell her the truth. I expected hysterics but all she did was put her arm over her eyes and shake her foot. Dad cried, Jessica and I didn't know what to do. There it was said.

It was understood now that our family was really all we had left. I wasn't going to have any more cousins- there were no more nieces and nephews (my cousins children all refer to me as Aunt). This accusation was the end of so many things.

We went home that night, further drugged my father with sleeping medications and then woke up like zombies. Some how we functioned through Saturday. Sunday I broke down and told Alyse- this wasn't the sort of thing we could handle on our own. Alyse stayed with me all day Sunday as I visited with church officials getting advice and help. Then up to the hospital with my mother she and I went.

Monday mom came home from the hospital. Tuesday my cousins were taking the little girl to a child shrink to try and get more info out of her. Tuesday afternoon the police called and asked my father if he would be willing to take a polygraph. One of the members from church I spoke with Sunday had suggested that Dad not do it because of the fact that they are no good in court. Dad decided he had nothing to hide so he made the appointment for Wednesday to take the test.

I tried so hard to get off work so I could be with my father. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to stay with him and I would wait for hours alone in a hallway, but I wanted to be with him and have him know I was there because I believed him and love him. My boss was a jerk because of missing the two days with my mother in the hospital and wouldn't let me take off another day.

Wednesday was the worst day of my life. Every time the phone rang my heart jumped and I died a little inside each time it wasn't my mother calling me. Finally around 3 the call came- my father passed the test with flying colors and the police 100% were done investigating him.

It'd be nice if that were the end of the story. But it isn't. The fact is that someone molested a three year old. The fact is that my mothers entire side of the family believed for a week or so that my father was guilty. The fact is that I've lost my aunt, my cousins, my nieces, and my nephews. The fact is that everyone who does read this blog knows how close Noel and I were. When the police called my cousin to inform him of the polygraph results Noel was in the background saying my father belongs in jail, he's a child molester, and that she was glad she never left her child alone with "Them people." The fact is that my father is now showing signs of suffering from PTSD. The fact is I'm now having panic attacks myself. The fact is that the investigator  was concerned for my fathers safety after ending the phone call with my cousin.

This week I've watched my mother (who remember is still very ill recovering from pneumonia) break down crying asking my father if he still loved her and if he was going to leave her because of all the pain her family has always put him through. I've had to watch my father be afraid to walk out of his own doors. My family now keeps the doors locked- something we only ever did when we went to bed or all left the house.

The last week has been hell. I've had to worry about my father possibly going to jail- and we all know what happens to child molesters and rapists in jail. I had to think about what my wedding would be like without my father. I thought about calling things with Adam off because I love him so much and didn't want to drag him through the potential mess things could have really become. I had to worry about who would take care of my mother while Jessica and I work... I had to worry about my Daddy being killed in jail. All the while knowing there is no way on heaven/earth/hell that my father would ever touch a child. If someone had a gun to his head telling him to do it, my father is the type that would reach up and blow his own brains out before touching a child in that way.

And worst of all- I know my family will get through this. I know my family loves my father and we will help him move past this- but the worst part is knowing that because of some sick asshole my father has now been robbed of the joy of his own grandchildren. Anyone who really knows my father can agree. He'll never fully let himself enjoy his own grandchildren when they come because of this. He'll never totally get over this hurt. He may not have had the most love for his sister in law, but he loves(loved?) his nieces and nephew and them believing this of him.... that he will never forgive even.

And there you have it. The messing start to 2013 that I've had.

Things I Love About Me

Sheila over at This One Body shared an awesome post about the things she loves about herself and I though, oh wow- I want to do one too!!!

Challenge accepted 10 things I love about ME!

1-I love my character and that I wait for full facts before making hard decisions.
2-I love my curly hair. I know I complain about it and how annoying it is and never curls right. But I love my curls and the fact that I get them from my Father.
3- I like my eyes.My eyes show everything I'm thinking and I love the people who know whats going on with me because they've taken the time to know me.
4-I love my family- they are always here for me, laughing with me, crying with me, and are angered for the same things I am angered over.
5-I love my skinny legs. I love being able to buy knee boots!'
6- I love my emotional strength. Feeling like glue holding a family together is exhausting  but the Lord finds a way to bless me so I am able to be a better daughter, sister, friend, fiance.
7- This one is gonna be cheesy, but I love about me whatever Adam loves about me, because it's special to him so it's special to me.
8- I love that I try to be graceful in all actions. I don't want to be "that crazy bitch who blah blah blah:, I want to be "that class act who knew how to handle herself in any situation with grace and class."
9- I like being a good daughter. I like that my parents have two wonderful children that they don't need to worry about.
10- I love my family. I know these are supposed to be things I love about me, but I can't love me without them- they're a part of me!

How do I really even begin to put into words all that took place in 2012? It has truly been one of the craziest most awesome years for me. I hope I'm not the only person sorry to see it go.

Shall we run down the list of awesomeness? 

In 2012:

-Lost 120 pounds

-Can sit with my legs crossed

-Fit into my first pair of size 9 jeans (from a size 20/22)

-Gained confidence to start dating

-Dated the wrong guy for a hot second

-Paid off more debt

-Maintained a GPA of 3.5-3.7

-Got my hair trimmed more than 3 times this year

-Met an awesome man

-Fell in love with awesome man

-Became engaged to said awesome man

-Inspired several other people to seek weight loss surgery options

-Realized after losing all that weight that I do have dimples in my cheeks I've always envied in others

So, since I don't think I want to set "resolutions" this year, I may have a list of a few goals

for 2013

They are:

-Try running to see if I can

-Try to shred at least another 25 pounds

-Continue plugging along with school

-Continue to love awesome man

-Get better about taking my vitamins

-Try to not eat pasta or bread

-Strive for 8 hours of sleep at least 3 nights a week

-Get awesome man to set date for wedding

-Continue living and being happy

That seems like a reasonable enough list of goals for me.

Now, as 2013 starts out it seems to be off to a roaring start. My mother was admitted to the hospital on New Years Eve for a bacterial pneumonia and possibly tuberculosis. We will know about the TB in another day or so. In the mean time they have her in isolation and I guess now when we go to visit her we have to wear masks. Hello people, I've been living with her!!!

On New Years Day we moved Adam out of his apartment and back into his mom's. He'd be upset if he knew I posted that for the world to see probably, but he is working hard and waiting for a place closer to his job to become available and will hopefully only be there for a month or so. We worked our butts off yesterday and I even drove a cargo van!! I panicked about driving it the hour to his moms house so we ended up getting my Dad to drive it but I drove it from the rental place to his apartment! I'm not looking forward to him living almost an hour away from me for the next month- but he still works in the same town I do so we'll make it work.

Anyways, that's about enough for now.

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2013 and best wishes to you all in reaching your goals for the new year!

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