Project Transfer Addiction?

So if you read my last blog entry, you know how chaotic my life is right now. I've not been dealing with things well and I'm not sure how to cope anymore with things because my old solace, food, is no longer available to me.

In the past two weeks a must have spent a few hours standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open staring inside looking for something to make me feel better. Last nights left over protein (be in chicken, steak, pork) wouldn't look appealing. I didn't feel like cooking eggs. Cheese wasn't agreeing with my stomach. I still can't stand the thought of yogurt. Oh there- behind the milk. A sugar free Jello pudding snack- how you doin? I'd reach for it, open it up and scoop out some with a finger and into my mouth. For a blissful minute I'd let it wash over my tongue and savor it. Then I'd snap out of it, ask myself what I was doing and into the trash the open pudding snack would go. I'd walk away from the refrigerator for awhile. However, it wasn't long before I was standing back in front of it spacing out as I stared inside.

Well, I decided that instead of spacing out in front of all that food, I'd get lost in Pinterest. At least there I can stare at the food without the door to the fridge open. There I can look at recipes and try to figure out a way to make them healthier and maybe try cooking them. That was just boring. So over to browsing the "Women's Fashion" section. I saw the cutest pair of Victoria's Secret yoga pants under that category and ended up on Victoria's Secret website. Could I possibly fit in to some of their stuff now?

I quickly found myself caught up in all the things I could now buy from them. Panties, shirts, sweat pants, pajamas.. Just about everything but a dang bra because these girls haven't done any shrinking. If anything I went from a 46DD to a 40DDD. Go figure. For a little while, I was HAPPY again. After adding everything into my shopping cart that I added as a "what if", I had over $1,000 worth of items in there. HOLY COW! I quickly removed the majority of it. I left 5 pairs of panties as they were running a special 5/$25. I left a pair of yoga pants (the same ones I saw on pinterest), a pair of pajamas that were on clearance, and a PINK hoodie. All together it was still about $90 worth of stuff. But I thought to myself "Oh, your so happy about the THOUGHT of being able to fit into them. How happy will you be if you buy them?" Part of me was too excited to wait for shipping, but a larger part of me was too nervous to go into the store and try to purchase them. If I ordered them and I was still too fat for them- no one would know but me. I could simply return them through the mail and no one would need to know Danielle was still a fatty trying to wear skinny girl clothes.

Well, I logged into my bank account to see if I could afford this transaction. There was $37.86 left after bills and all the expenses of the week with my mother in the hospital and then running around with my Dad seeking legal advice, and comfort from outside sources. So what did dumb ass Danielle do? She applied for a VS charge card.... Never dreaming I'd be approved. In the last two months money had been tight and a few bills had been paid late and I was sure my credit had been badly hurt by it. WRONG! I was approved..... And I made the purchase. I excitedly waited the week it took for my items to arrive. New panties, clothes I'd always dreamed of owning. Oh how I waited! I was scared that the panties would be too small and that I was pretty sure I was insane for ordering a size medium in the yoga pant. WRONG AGAIN!

The mediums fit perfectly in the waist- they were just WAY too long. The pajamas that I ordered in a large because I'm bigger on top then on the bottom, were WAY too big. What- VS clothing TOO BIG?!?!?

I didn't mind having to return the items that didn't fit well. The problem with this purchase? The happiness didn't last long and it lead to more purchases and over spending myself.

The worst part of all this? I couldn't share it with Noel. We've done everything together with this journey and celebrated the losses and cried over the struggles together with this. When she fit into her first size 14- I was there high fiving her, and buying her a paid of Juicy sweat pants to celebrate. For my birthday she got me my first pair of size 11s. We've done this all together, right down to the same damn day for surgery. And now she's gone to me and I'm left doing this all alone with no one to really share my joy with. I can't share it with Jessica because it just makes her feel worse about herself. Rachel isn't the girly girl to REALLY get into enjoying it- and Alyse is living her own life and dealing with enough of her own issues with her bf, graduating, applying to grad school, and trying to find a job.

In the last week I've purchases over 15 pairs of panties (all from VS, either 5/$25 deals or out of the clearance bin), hoodies, and lotions. Then from various other places I've purchased makeup, shoes, bags, and.... an iPad. All the while knowing that the happiness from these purchases was only temporary and that I would have to deal with the guilt of spending the money sooner rather than later.

Before I would have eaten cookies, popcorn, chips, fried foods, pizza, and God only knows what else while dealing with all this. I would have gained weight and felt even worse about myself. I know in the back of my mind that tax returns are coming and I'll pay off this bit of extravagant debt.

I know what I've been doing to comfort myself, and I know that it really isn't working. In fact, I'll end up making myself more stressed out by going further into debt.

Adam is seeing a new side of me with all of this and it worries me a little bit that maybe he'll realize this is all too much for him. Me and my issues. When I showed him the iPad- all he could really say was "Can you afford this?" - because he knows I really can't. I need to prove to him that I'm responsible and that together we will make a team that can over come everything. I need to show him I will be a responsible wife and not get us into trouble financially. *sigh*

Well.. That's enough of Danielle baring her soul for now. Here are a few pictures from the last two weeks. I've still managed to smile for the camera... Go figure.