Flashbacks....

I hate them. On down days (and lets face it, we all have them) I flashback to the fat me, to the lonely me, to the insecure me, to the "moped" me... To the me who gave my heart completely and had it tossed back.

At what point do you walk away when warning bells start going off in your head, screaming "WTF are you doing, you've been here, you've done this, and you swore you'd never be THAT girl again"?

Last night I was hanging out with Mr. Motorcycle, his roomate, and a few of their mutual friends. The phrase "harem girl" may have been used once or twice- which REALLY made me sick to my stomach. That's not what I am, that's not who he is- but why does the phrase make me want to puke? He is an AMAZING man who I have NO INTENTIONS of really getting seriously involved with. And unfortunately for him- he has the disadvantage of how we met.

However the more time I spend with him the more time I seem to spend thinking about Commander and Chief Fucktard and I just DON'T want to do that. I've said for a long long time the only thing that I don't regret from that period of my life is meeting Mr. Motorcycle- and now I'm not even so sure about that. When it's just him and I one on one I'm fine- but throwing other people into the mix... It's too much like how things were three years ago.

I know this is probably not making any sense to any of you. I'm feeling so lost right now and dreading having to go to work feeling this way. Last week I was so happy I couldn't stop the smiles from appearing... Today- I want to cry....

I want to cry for that girl I was, I want to cry for what could have been, I want to cry because I'm NOT that girl anymore, I want to cry for how badly I was crying then and for so many years that I let myself think I didn't deserve better.

And I want to cry with joy that I will never be THAT girl again.

I know I said I wouldn't post pics until Alyse is back... But today just feels like that day. I'm shedding who I used to be and becoming who I'm going to be. I <3 Alyse, I can't wait for you to be home!

Should have stayed anonymous!

Sometimes I wish I had kept this blog totally anonymous by not sharing it with people I know in real life. Granted, there are only about four of you- but sometimes it's easier to share things with people you DON'T know!

Today I feel amazing! I weighed in this morning at 236.4! That is a total of 73.6 pounds! So, since December 7, 2012 I have lost a grand total of 64.6 pounds. I've worn LEGGINGS to work TWICE! I'm feeling amazing and more confident.

With this confidence is coming a more independent and braver Danielle. I stick up for myself more and won't tolerate certain treatment. What brings this on? Mostly- men. LoL. Or rather just one. I had this ex that was always sort of my go-to guy. We always stayed in touch, sometimes we dated, sometimes we didn't. He is one of the guys I've mentioned a few times previously. We'll call him Mr. Indian Point (cuz that's where he works.) Well, Mr. Indian point wasn't as good of a friend to me as I was to him and I wasn't a fan of only being his friend if he was single. I get that women and men make bad just friends.. But he and I have been through a lot in our four years as mostly just friends and it stung what he was getting ready to do.... So, what's a girl to do? Start hitting DELETE!! Deleted from phone, email, yahoo, facebook. DELETE!! I never knew any of his info by heart because- well.. Who has to these days? So he's GONE!!! And I'm on to developing myself more without him in my life.

I'm loving myself more!

I love the new positions I can twist my body into. Last night while watching a movie and cuddling with (I need to find a cute name to protect his identity, lol) so for now we'll call him Mr. Motorcycle... So we're cuddling watching a boring movie and I look down at his head in my lap and realize that there is NO way I could have contorted my body into that particular position 70 pounds ago. He and I talk about my weight and I'm totally comfortable doing so with him. He saw me at my worst in so many ways that I'm just comfortable with him. And ya know- it's nice. I'm just Danielle and he is just Mr. Motorcycle. It works.

That being said, I'm bubbly this morning and NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH!! I feel alive and pretty. And although he isn't getting any hanky panky- I keep having those silly flashbacks of the cuddles like that silly scene the morning after Bella wakes up from her honeymoon with Edward.... *sigh*

I gotta go call my best friend.....

Spring is in the air... That means it's time for romance...... Right?

Ahhhhh!! Why does life keep throwing fast balls? What happened to the old saying "Slow and steady wins the race??" It sure doesn't feel that way these days.

We changed the clocks ahead last night. It's going to be 60 degrees today. I've got laundry going in the washer right now so it can be hung on the line. Chicken chili all in the crockpot for later today. About to start working on some homework, and try and survive ANOTHER round of period cramps.

On top of my 6th period in 3 months, the multivitamin that I was sold BY MY DOCTORS OFFICE, was the wrong vitamin and didn't have iron in it. They sold me the vitamin that is for bypass patients. How did this even really come to realization? Well, on two different occasions I was given two different bottles. I called and the mistake was realized then, but I figured I would just finish out the bottle of the wrong vitamins before starting the right ones. I only had a little over a week left of the wrong bottle.

Well, fast forward a few days later, I'm reading the textbook for my Essentials of Human Nutrition class and we are going over micro and macro-nutrients. Iron falls under these categories. Guess what signs of iron defecieny are? Hair loss, fatigue, mood swings, light headedness. Yup. I'm really just very unhappy with the doctors office at this point and I'm really considering looking into switching to a different office if they will take me on so soon after surgery. Vitamins aren't something you should play with on a bariatric patient. The doctor told me it was fine to take the vitamins I was on prior to surgery at my six week check up. Well, I was taking a one a day. Nutrition appoinment comes around at 2.5 months and she about died when she heard I was taking a one a day. Well, she is the one who told the girl at the front desk which vitamin to sell me. She went into the closet they keep the vitamins in and handed the front desk girl the vitamin.

My hair is falling out by the HANDFULLS! My part is already getting wider. And I know this is a part of the surgery, but I can't help thinking it might not have been this bad had I been taking the correct vitamins from the start. I also don't like how when I tried talking with the doctor about these things at my three month checkup he just wrote it off as depression. I think that is a sign of a BAD doctor. He didn't look into seeing if there were underlying causes and he should have.

My new insurance card came in yesterday, so I'll be getting my blood work done one day this week finally.... Until then, I'm pushing protein and green leafy vegetables. I even bought me some beef liver because in my textbook I learned it is the best source of ingestable iron.

So my friends, any good liver recipes? I usually like chicken liver when my second dad makes it. MMM!

And then MEN! UGH! Confusion freaking city! I make a vow to stay single and they come climbing out of the wood pile like sailors who have been out at sea for a year.

And then my grandmother. Dad and I picked her up from the airport. She was happy as hell to see us. I'm still not sure how I feel about all that, but I'm glad she is back in NY and safe from dumb bitch who married a child molester knowingly and said child molester. I'm getting mad all over again as I type it.

So, I'm gonna go hang some clothes on the line and enjoy some fresh air... Maybe even take Gypsy for walk!!

New day, new leaf (Caution, there's swearing involved)

Weighing in this morning at 245.4!! How exciting is that! My official way in is tomorrow morning, so hopefully it may be even less than that!

I had my three month follow up this week. Spoke with the doctor about my mood swings and he kept calling it depression. But it isn't depression. I've been depressed before- all those things that got me up to 310 pounds to begin with! I explained about how messed up my cycle is and then his story slightly changed that is is mostly hormones but was I feeling depressed? I told him NO! I feel irritated and overwhelmed. To which he suggested I talk to a shrink and see if maybe they wanted to put my on something temporarily. WTC? (What the chicken)

I don't like the thought of taking pills to deal with my feelings. I feel like things wont be any different once you stop taking the pills, and you will just have exposed your body to all that junk that it didn't need in the first place. He told me that's why I should continue to see the shrink while on the meds so that they can help me work through my issues. Whatever. Waste of my time even bringing it up. And then the appointment really turned out to be a waste of time because they couldn't get a vein to do the three month blood work. *sigh*

This week at work was okay. Nothing major to really complain about. School was okay, although I forgot about the last part of an assignment before it was due, but I don't think it'll amount to much of a grade deduction.

So that brings us up to speed to today. March 3, 2012. My only living grandparent is moving back to NY today. My father and I are picking her up from the airport around 3:30. I'm so TOTALLY not sure how I feel about this. Fourteen years ago when I was barely 12she moved to Colorado to be with my fathers sister and her husband and kids. At 12 all I knew was that Nana was leaving and we wouldn't have any more fun sleep overs and sneak out of the house on the weekends to go get jelly donuts. At 12 all I knew was that the only grandparent I'd ever really had was leaving. Sure at that point I still had both grandparents on my mothers side, but my sister and I were little more than my father's half-breeds- not the children of their daughter. And there was a bunch of family drama and we didn't really talk to those grandparents from the ages of 8 to about 16... But this isn't about them, this is about Nana.

In the 14 years she was gone there was basically no communication. My father tried calling in the beginning only to feel rejected and like his attention was not welcome, so eventually he stopped trying. Who could blame him, right? I was about 15 at this point and was over the idea of grandparents. I'd see my friends with their grandparents and knew how jipped I was so I didn't want anything to do with any of them. They didn't want anything to do with me after all.

Then my father's sister turns into some spastic junky retard (the names are omitted to protect peoples privacy, because what I would really like to put is "woman who doesn't put her children first and decided to stay married to a child molester") Oh snap! I guess I said it after all.. Anyway..... So then last month she tells my father that until he "comes clean" about stuff a psychic!!!!! put in her head she isn't going to let him talk to his mother. Well, that just made my father very determined to talk to his mother after YEARS of no contact. Problem was, we had no phone numbers and this bitch literally moved my grandmother like over six times in 10 years or something like that. So- that was my que because I've been itching to get even with this dumb bitch for some stuff she tried to pull last year...

Now, I work in healthcare. Meaning I have access to databases that will tell me literally ANYTHING on just about ANYONE. And actually, is available to the public, it's just that the public doesn't know about it... But go check out the database accurint, you'll see what I mean. So I ended up with a complete list of address and phone numbers the bitch, her husband, and my grandmother have lived at since they all first got to Colorado. ChaCHING BIATCH!

So, my father gets a hold of my grandmother and low and behold- she wants to come home. Say what??? So my dad and my aunt Debbie get together, move a bunch of mountains and aunt Debbie is it CO right now about to get on a plain to bring her home.

I told my Dad I would take him to the airport to pick them both up and we would drive them home. The problem is, that for the last almost 10 years since my other Gma died, I've considered myself grandparent-less. I've made my peace with it, I'm comfortable with it and I don't know if I want to open myself up to this.

The 27 year old woman in me is able to rationalize what went on. My grandmother had a stroke and became pretty dependent on others. I think she felt like a burden, mostly to my aunt Debbie so she decided on a change of scenery and moved to CO with the scum bitch. Scum bitch and Company at some point ended up taking most of her social security money and told her no one here wanted her.... Which isn't true. My father and aunt Debbie (they're twins by the way) are so ecstatic to have her back it's been cute listening to them on the phone with each other ever night making plans. (And maybe a little irritating since they tend to speak in some weird twin language that sounds a lot like a grunt language.)

So here I am first thing in the morning unable to sleep, unable to decide if I made a mistake doing this for my father. I want to make him happy and give back to him just a smidge of all the hard work and sacrificing he has done for me over the years and still does every day. (I'm a total daddy's girl... still.) But I really don't think I want a grand parent. I don't want to open myself up to it and all that comes with it. I mean this woman literally wouldn't recognize me if we passed each other on the street. And I REALLY didn't want her to see me for like at least another six months and most of the weight was off.

I remember her staying with us for a weekend after the stroke and Jessica, Nana and I watched a movie while eating some sort of party chip mix, then went for a walk, came back and Jessica went to grab a handfull more of the party mix and Nana said "you're gonna eat again?" Now- I was MAYBE 11 at this point... But for some reason that moment sticks out in my mind so much and now I have to go pick her up from the airport looking like a fat blob. She doesn't know that I've lost over 60 pounds recently or struggled so badly with my weight I turned to WLS. She doesn't know three months ago I was wearing 22s and that yesterday I got to wear 16s for the first time. And now instead of feeling joy over that accomplishment I'm kind of feeling like "Oh boy, it just isn't good enough or enough period."

I don' know what to do. I'm gonna do my hair, put on my makeup, rock those 16s and go support my father. That's what I'm gonna do. And I know she is an old woman of 77 and I am a 27 year old woman, but I'm taking my que from her. I'll give her the respect that my mother taught me to treat the elderly with, but honestly- she's nothing more than a stranger to me.