New day, new leaf (Caution, there's swearing involved)

Weighing in this morning at 245.4!! How exciting is that! My official way in is tomorrow morning, so hopefully it may be even less than that!

I had my three month follow up this week. Spoke with the doctor about my mood swings and he kept calling it depression. But it isn't depression. I've been depressed before- all those things that got me up to 310 pounds to begin with! I explained about how messed up my cycle is and then his story slightly changed that is is mostly hormones but was I feeling depressed? I told him NO! I feel irritated and overwhelmed. To which he suggested I talk to a shrink and see if maybe they wanted to put my on something temporarily. WTC? (What the chicken)

I don't like the thought of taking pills to deal with my feelings. I feel like things wont be any different once you stop taking the pills, and you will just have exposed your body to all that junk that it didn't need in the first place. He told me that's why I should continue to see the shrink while on the meds so that they can help me work through my issues. Whatever. Waste of my time even bringing it up. And then the appointment really turned out to be a waste of time because they couldn't get a vein to do the three month blood work. *sigh*

This week at work was okay. Nothing major to really complain about. School was okay, although I forgot about the last part of an assignment before it was due, but I don't think it'll amount to much of a grade deduction.

So that brings us up to speed to today. March 3, 2012. My only living grandparent is moving back to NY today. My father and I are picking her up from the airport around 3:30. I'm so TOTALLY not sure how I feel about this. Fourteen years ago when I was barely 12she moved to Colorado to be with my fathers sister and her husband and kids. At 12 all I knew was that Nana was leaving and we wouldn't have any more fun sleep overs and sneak out of the house on the weekends to go get jelly donuts. At 12 all I knew was that the only grandparent I'd ever really had was leaving. Sure at that point I still had both grandparents on my mothers side, but my sister and I were little more than my father's half-breeds- not the children of their daughter. And there was a bunch of family drama and we didn't really talk to those grandparents from the ages of 8 to about 16... But this isn't about them, this is about Nana.

In the 14 years she was gone there was basically no communication. My father tried calling in the beginning only to feel rejected and like his attention was not welcome, so eventually he stopped trying. Who could blame him, right? I was about 15 at this point and was over the idea of grandparents. I'd see my friends with their grandparents and knew how jipped I was so I didn't want anything to do with any of them. They didn't want anything to do with me after all.

Then my father's sister turns into some spastic junky retard (the names are omitted to protect peoples privacy, because what I would really like to put is "woman who doesn't put her children first and decided to stay married to a child molester") Oh snap! I guess I said it after all.. Anyway..... So then last month she tells my father that until he "comes clean" about stuff a psychic!!!!! put in her head she isn't going to let him talk to his mother. Well, that just made my father very determined to talk to his mother after YEARS of no contact. Problem was, we had no phone numbers and this bitch literally moved my grandmother like over six times in 10 years or something like that. So- that was my que because I've been itching to get even with this dumb bitch for some stuff she tried to pull last year...

Now, I work in healthcare. Meaning I have access to databases that will tell me literally ANYTHING on just about ANYONE. And actually, is available to the public, it's just that the public doesn't know about it... But go check out the database accurint, you'll see what I mean. So I ended up with a complete list of address and phone numbers the bitch, her husband, and my grandmother have lived at since they all first got to Colorado. ChaCHING BIATCH!

So, my father gets a hold of my grandmother and low and behold- she wants to come home. Say what??? So my dad and my aunt Debbie get together, move a bunch of mountains and aunt Debbie is it CO right now about to get on a plain to bring her home.

I told my Dad I would take him to the airport to pick them both up and we would drive them home. The problem is, that for the last almost 10 years since my other Gma died, I've considered myself grandparent-less. I've made my peace with it, I'm comfortable with it and I don't know if I want to open myself up to this.

The 27 year old woman in me is able to rationalize what went on. My grandmother had a stroke and became pretty dependent on others. I think she felt like a burden, mostly to my aunt Debbie so she decided on a change of scenery and moved to CO with the scum bitch. Scum bitch and Company at some point ended up taking most of her social security money and told her no one here wanted her.... Which isn't true. My father and aunt Debbie (they're twins by the way) are so ecstatic to have her back it's been cute listening to them on the phone with each other ever night making plans. (And maybe a little irritating since they tend to speak in some weird twin language that sounds a lot like a grunt language.)

So here I am first thing in the morning unable to sleep, unable to decide if I made a mistake doing this for my father. I want to make him happy and give back to him just a smidge of all the hard work and sacrificing he has done for me over the years and still does every day. (I'm a total daddy's girl... still.) But I really don't think I want a grand parent. I don't want to open myself up to it and all that comes with it. I mean this woman literally wouldn't recognize me if we passed each other on the street. And I REALLY didn't want her to see me for like at least another six months and most of the weight was off.

I remember her staying with us for a weekend after the stroke and Jessica, Nana and I watched a movie while eating some sort of party chip mix, then went for a walk, came back and Jessica went to grab a handfull more of the party mix and Nana said "you're gonna eat again?" Now- I was MAYBE 11 at this point... But for some reason that moment sticks out in my mind so much and now I have to go pick her up from the airport looking like a fat blob. She doesn't know that I've lost over 60 pounds recently or struggled so badly with my weight I turned to WLS. She doesn't know three months ago I was wearing 22s and that yesterday I got to wear 16s for the first time. And now instead of feeling joy over that accomplishment I'm kind of feeling like "Oh boy, it just isn't good enough or enough period."

I don' know what to do. I'm gonna do my hair, put on my makeup, rock those 16s and go support my father. That's what I'm gonna do. And I know she is an old woman of 77 and I am a 27 year old woman, but I'm taking my que from her. I'll give her the respect that my mother taught me to treat the elderly with, but honestly- she's nothing more than a stranger to me.