At what point do you walk away when warning bells start going off in your head, screaming "WTF are you doing, you've been here, you've done this, and you swore you'd never be THAT girl again"?
Last night I was hanging out with Mr. Motorcycle, his roomate, and a few of their mutual friends. The phrase "harem girl" may have been used once or twice- which REALLY made me sick to my stomach. That's not what I am, that's not who he is- but why does the phrase make me want to puke? He is an AMAZING man who I have NO INTENTIONS of really getting seriously involved with. And unfortunately for him- he has the disadvantage of how we met.
However the more time I spend with him the more time I seem to spend thinking about Commander and Chief Fucktard and I just DON'T want to do that. I've said for a long long time the only thing that I don't regret from that period of my life is meeting Mr. Motorcycle- and now I'm not even so sure about that. When it's just him and I one on one I'm fine- but throwing other people into the mix... It's too much like how things were three years ago.
I know this is probably not making any sense to any of you. I'm feeling so lost right now and dreading having to go to work feeling this way. Last week I was so happy I couldn't stop the smiles from appearing... Today- I want to cry....
I want to cry for that girl I was, I want to cry for what could have been, I want to cry because I'm NOT that girl anymore, I want to cry for how badly I was crying then and for so many years that I let myself think I didn't deserve better.
And I want to cry with joy that I will never be THAT girl again.
I know I said I wouldn't post pics until Alyse is back... But today just feels like that day. I'm shedding who I used to be and becoming who I'm going to be. I <3 Alyse, I can't wait for you to be home!
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