Guilt

There is a part of me that feels so guilty right now. When the doctor told me after my LEEP it was okay to try and get pregnant I never thought it would happen so fast. I joined a few online community for women trying to conceive and just got the tips of my toes wet with introducing myself in the community and sharing the struggle with PCOS and then the LEEP. 

I did find a lot of people who were also struggling to get pregnant. So many people posted that this was their last round of IVF because they were out of money.

And then I popped up pregnant right out of the gate, during the first month of really trying. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited, scared, grateful, and in awe of what my body is doing. I'm so thrilled to be having Adam's baby grow inside me. 

But there is a little part of my heart that is breaking for all these women who were kind to me who are still struggling and must harbor some feelings of resentment towards the fact that it happened the first month for me.

I pray for these women that they can know the joy I feel at seeing two pink lines show up on test after test.

Well, how about that :)

Well my lovely WLS community- we did it! Still very early days (obviously) from the last post....

Drum roll........... 

We've got a line ......,

After line.....

After line

I know all the statistics of things that could to wrong and what not. 

However I know that right now Adam and I have created a something completely wonderful :) 

TTC

Well, here we go! 

We have the all clear from the doctor after a year long battle with HPV. I've been off birth control for two months and I'm now getting confirmation of ovulation- something that beyond excites me after years of dealing with PCOS and all that it entails. 

The reason for my VSG to begin with. My hopes and dreams, my fears and nightmares.... My many frogs and finally my prince. All for this moment. 

Let the baby making begin!

I've debated sharing this part of my journey with the world. It's raw and each month that it doesn't take route will be hard to share but this is the whole reason  for it all. You have all been a part of the process and I want that to continue. Your kind words have gotten me through so much and it will help with this and I want you to all be a part of the joy should we be blessed.

Everyone, this is Adam'sand my fondest wish, hope, and dream. Please pray for us in this. 

May 2014 Update

Back when I started this blog my life was so different. I think of all the things the led to my decision to remove 80+% of my stomach and I don't regret them one bit because they led me to where I am today, which is mostly happy. Through this process I've also learned that mostly happy is more than most can hope for out of life.

Last year my lowest recorded weight was 179.4. Today I sit here after a long boring winter at about 199. Let me tell you how much of a difference these extra 20 pounds are making in my mind. Twenty pounds shows in the way of my face feeling fuller, and those size 8-10s I was so happy to put on have been retired while I struggle emotionally with putting on a size 10-12. What happened?? How could I let this happen?? I don't blame anyone. I do the grocery shopping in our home... It's my fault. However, I will step on my soap box for a moment and rant.

Adam and I are a young couple starting out. Our little apartment costs what people in the south pay for a four bedroom split level. Our electric/gas bills this winter sucked up any disposable income and were just as high as our rent. While struggling to pay these bills, the 2.99/lb chicken breast took a back seat to the .99 box of pasta. Low carb wraps that run about $5 for 10 took a back seat to bread we could make at home with white flour. And well, the chocolate chip cookies, and honestly there were A LOT of them this winter- they were just slipping back into old habits of using food to make us feel good when we were so bored and unhappy because we were SO broke.

Well, I've just gotten back the 5% pay cut I took over a year and a half ago, and Adam's hours should be going back up in just two short weeks. Financially we need him to start working those hours again. Domestically- I can't stand the thought. Last summer was so lonely with him working and not getting home until hours after I'd gone to bed. I'd have gone crazy last year if it hadn't been for the Friday night sister dates with Alyse and Jessica. With Alyse living upstate now and Jessica being all wrapped up with her fiance (I truly shudder at that thought) this year I'm looking to better utilize my alone time.

I'm going to get out an explore the city we live in. I'm going to do this with my walking shoes on! I'm going to read and read until my eyes hurt. I'm going to catch up on tv, and I'm going to walk some more. I will get these 20 pounds off and hopefully more.

I've received the go ahead from my doctor that we can try to start our family. The last year dealing with HPV and several other nasty procedures have left me feeling anxious as ever about starting our family. I want one so badly. I think to myself "How can we possibly have a baby? We could barely pay the gas bill this winter!" But ya know what, we'll find a way. We've done everything on our own with VERY little help from anyone. We did what we could with the money from our wedding, his grandma surprised with a few hundred dollars a few months after the wedding. I may do some grocery shopping from time to time in my parents pantry, and Jessica has been quick to slip some of my items into her items at the checkout, but when it comes to the actual BILLS we've done it on our own and we would for a baby as well.

Our one year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching. I can't believe we've been married for almost a year. I can't believe I have a different last name. (Nor can I believe how incredibly annoying it is to have to change your last name on EVERY FRICKEN thing under the sun!)

I'm also taking a semester off from school. The school I attend has a three semester system with most students doing two on track semesters and one off track where they can chose to take online classes or just enjoy their life. Well, since I started in 2010 I have done all three semesters and I'm tired! So, I'm taking one off. I'm hoping that after this relaxing summer I am planning when September comes around I will have regained some of my enthusiasm for finishing a bachelors degree.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm just not sure what to share and what to keep to myself, lol. This blog was once upon a time only about my weight loss surgery. Then I met Adam and it quickly became about my life as a whole and stopped being so much about weight loss.

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I can't wait to see what the next year holds in store for my husband and I. Will we become parents? Will I manage to lose the extra weight? Will he finally get the promotion he has worked so hard for? Will I finally motivate myself enough to find another job? (Honestly, I make an okay wage for where I work and I have two weeks of paid vacation, a week of sick time, and health insurance that I pay very little into- it makes deciding to leave a very weighty decision these days.)

And the beat goes on......

Back in March of 2013 I went for my annual PAP because I was getting married and wanted to renew my prescription for birth control and that was about the only way to get it. So off I went, no big deal really. I've been seeing my PCP (who can do PAPs) since before I had boobs and she is a sweetheart. She was excited for my upcoming nuptials and to hear all about Adam, and I was only to happy to gush about him.

Well, a week or so after that I got a call from her to discuss the lab results. That was odd to me because in the past I've always just gotten a call from the nurse telling me all was well. Well, this time it wasn't. My lab results came back showing low grade dysplasia. What is dysplasia you ask? The definition Google returned to me was "The enlargement of an organ or tissue by the proliferation of cells of an abnormal type, as a developmental disorder or an early stage in the development of cancer." Sounds scary, right? Well it is!

I had to follow up with an actual GYN and had a colposcopy done. Ready for another wonderful Google definition? "Colposcopy is a medical diagnostic procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva. Many premalignant lesions and malignant lesions in these areas have discernible characteristics which can be detected through the examination." Basically you get up on the table, put your feet in stirrups, and then the doctor swabs the cervix and then looks at it with binoculars. If he sees something funky he takes this tool that looks kind of like toe nail clippers with a really long handle and snips at the funk so it can go to the lab.  This was done two weeks prior to our wedding. I prayed hard between the extreme uterine cramping that it would all just be a nightmare and all would come back okay. Well, it didn't. 

I had HPV. 

This can be sexually transmitted or something that just occurs on its own. My sister now freaked out goes for her annual, and she goes through all the same stuff. We get hooked up at my bridal shower with my cousin on my Dad's side- and she's gone through it too. One day a conversation with my grandmother reveals that she had cervical cancer in her 40s or 50s. 

So, the doctor suggests playing the waiting game. Often times the body will clear up the virus on its own and there is not need for further treatment. Come back in six months and do another pap. 

I got married and settled into being a wife, a student, and employee, a daughter, and a sister. I didn't think about it much and before I knew it my six months were upon me. That PAP came back funky too. So another lovely colposcopy. I got a call from his medical assistant on a Thursday asking me to come into the office on Monday to discuss the results. I asked if we could do it by phone then and there but the doctor was in surgery. Crap was hitting the fan at my job and I couldn't take the time off from work without feeling like I was jeopardizing my job. She couldn't tell me anything about the results because the doctor hadn't told her it was okay to do so. 

Well, I went home that night and I was a zombie. Did I have cancer? Would I be able to have children? Adam and I had been talking about starting our family a lot lately. We want children. I told Adam and it was a terrible night. We fought so badly and a plate got broken, and I ended up on the floor crying uncontrollably. I needed him to be there for me and he was being a jerk. Well, upon him seeing me reduced to hysterical tears he held me and apologized and shared with me how scared he was too. We cried together.

I knew we couldn't wait through the weekend without the results, so I called the doctors office Friday morning and demanded someone get on the phone with me and tell me what MY medical records held. A nurse got on the phone with me and all she could tell me was that it WAS NOT cancer. Okay! PHEW! I was prepared for it to come back as pre-cancerous, I knew this was a possibility. No big, we'll freeze the shit and get on with life.

This one came back as high grade dysplasia. The doctor didn't think it was a good idea to play the waiting game anymore, and he didn't feel as though the freezing treatment was the best option either. We skipped all that and went right in for a LEEP. Ready for more Google??? "Similar to conization but performed in the office. The piece of the cervix is removed with a wire loop." 

I was knocked out for this one, thank god. 

All went well. The pathology on it came back fine, in fact it showed low grade dysplasia, not high grade. Which means my body was probably on the road to clearing it up. They are so confident they got all the ick and that things will be fine from here on out that typically they have you come in after for another PAP 3-4 months after the procedure, they told me I didn't have to come back for it for 4-6 months. 

I will be going for the 3-4 months though. Adam and I want to have a baby. (Alyse, you're the only real life person who reads this- keep your mouth shut lol)

The reason I'm sharing all of this is that if my sharing it gets ONE woman to go out and get checked- it's worth it. 

Now, for me, I don't believe this was anything that happened to my because of having sex. The research that I've done suggests it can come from many different things. Given my family history of my gma having cervical cancer, my cousin and my sister all being hit with the same thing- it seems like it could be more genetic. I could be wrong. Also, a compromised immune system can bring it on as well. The list of vitamins that you can be deficient in being contributors is nuts-o. Guess who hasn't taken her post bariatric surgery vitamins in about a year? This girl!

Well, no more. Amazon delivered to my door my vitamins yesterday. I took them this morning (and I'm remembering why I stopped taking them, I feel like crap for a little while after) and I'm going to be taking them everyday. They sit in the kitchen on top of the coffee canister so I can't even have my morning cup of joe without being reminded to take them. Also, these vitamins have been approved by my OB/GYN as more that sufficient for the folic acid needs of getting and being pregnant. 

So, two more weeks of no sex- and then it's baby making time! (Hopefully!)

Overcome

Right now I'm sitting in a bowling alley while Adam bowls in a league with his Dad. We do this every week. He bowls and I cheer him on and love him even when he bowls badly. 

Tonight he is subbing in a different league and I'm watching him bowl and doing my normal cheering on and I was just struck by how much I love him and can't imagine life without him. I want to gush and be girlie and even more want to be in his arms right now- and since there is no one around and he continues to bowl- you all get to hear about how much I love him. He's my best friend and my partner. 

I wish you all the happiness and love I feel for this man. 

On the weight loss front....

Did you ever reach a point in your journey when you were okay with how things were? Is it wrong to reach that point before hitting your goal weight?

My goal was always to be in the 160's. I knew that would still leave me with a little extra weight at my height of barely 5'4'', but that's what I wanted. Well, here I am holding strong in the 180's with a bout 10 pounds of loose skin so I technically count myself in the 170's and I'm okay with how things are.

I don't care anymore if I ever reach the 160's. I admit it. Every other goal I had for my weight loss has been met accept for the scale. I'm wearing the sizes I hoped I'd be but never really dreamed I'd be. In women's sizes I'm wearing size 8 pants, juniors either size 9 or 11. My tops now range depending on cut and style from a medium to an XL (mostly because of the skin on my stomach and my DD's).

Suddenly now that I'm married and REALLY living a life my priorities have shifted. I still try to eat healthy. There is always fresh fruit in our home, I eat salads all the time, try to do low carb. Admittedly I do not really exercise anymore but I stay active. Am I failure? In one way I feel like the biggest success for all I've accomplished both in weight loss and in my personal life.And then when I step on the scale and it isn't budging I feel mostly okay but then I think about logging into my weight loss Facebook and I find I don't want to for fear of having to admit that I'm not at goal- and worse to hear people be nasty that I'm okay with not being at goal.

For so long my life revolved around being overweight, and then I had surgery and it revolved around losing weight and following rules and getting healthy. Then I met Adam and fell in love and for the first time ever felt completely accepted just how I was. And I continued to lose weight after that. But here I am, with no changes in my weight since March really.

And then there is my father who had his VSG 2/8/13 and has lost well over 100 pounds already. He sees me still having weight to loose, he watches every bite I put in my mouth. Tries to get me to go for long walks in 100 degree heat, telling me it's time to loose the last of my weight. And I want to punch him in his mouth and I feel sort of like I created a monster.

Am I a failure because I don't feel like a failure? Am I a failure?