Feeling like a beached whale....

Daddy giving Nathan some attention on Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are so in love and so excited to meet Nathan!

Years and years ago, my sister and I got lucky some how and we adopted two more sisters. I've outlined the relationship previously on this blog. Rachel and Alyse could not be more my sisters than if we came from the same sperm and egg cells. For about a decade we've had a tradition we call Sister Christmas. 

On Sister Christmas (Christmas Eve) we always get together play board games until the weee hours and end up at Denny's for a late night snack. This year we did Sister Christmas at The Moses residence (my place). Adam put out a spread of cheese and crackers and chips and guacamole, Alyse brought delicious no bake chocolate chip cookie dough that I could eat because it was made with no eggs (OMG! She is seriously my hero! I've so pissed cookie dough and pickles this pregnancy.)

We usually play Monopoly. But since Adam came into the picture I can't seem to win Monopoly and I'm a bad loser so I picked up Cards Against Humanity for us to play. 

Oh my goodness- when you're eight months pregnant and you play this game make sure you're wearing a panty liner!! We laughed and laughed so hard. It was really cleansing in so many ways. 

One of these days we may have to change the name of Sister Christmas. Adam had joined us every year since we met, and now Jessica is engaged to Nik and he came this year. Maybe next year my other soon to be brother-in-law Kurt will join us, and hopefully Alyse will meet someone as great as the rest of the brother-in-laws. But for now- it's still Sister Christmas. The guys should feel blessed we let them join us.

I hope that with Nathan being an infant next Christmas we will keep this tradition going. I love my sisters so much and since getting married I see them so much less often than I would like. We've all grown up and got jobs and school and responsibilities. I don't feel that the lack of seeing each other is anything other than growing pains... But I miss them. 

In other news De Moses.... Adam's foot surgery has been a success- but not as much of a success as we hoped for. His range of motion is improved- but not as much as desired. He isn't in as much pain, but he is still in pain. I think he feels a little guilty that he's been out of work for almost two months and that the surgery didn't help as much as he wanted it to.

I'm so grateful for any improvement. I'd go a year without him working if we had to just to get the improvement he has. When you love someone and they hurt physically the emotional pain you feel for them is no joke. 

He starts a new job tomorrow. I've so enjoyed having Adam home with me. I don't know how I'm going to handle lonely nights and weekends without him while caring for a newborn. But I'm excited for his new job. He was unhappy for so long at the old one and they really jerked him around with empty promises. He submitted his resume online to this new place and they called him later on that day or the next day that basically said "You're hired as soon as your doctor says you can go back to work. Let me know when you can start!" I'm so proud of him that his reputation is so great that he could get hired off of reputation alone. 

I am finally a college graduate. I have an associates degree in applied sciences- and still have a GPA of 3.6 after a semester that earned me two B's and one C. Oh well. I passed. I will have a degree (even if it is only an associates) to hang on the wall next to Adam's before our son is born.

Speaking of him being born- I can't wait. I'm miserable. I get up at night three times to pee, I'm huge, nothing fits, and my feet constantly throb from the swelling. I start my maternity leave from work February 13th and I just don't know how I'm going to survive until that time..... But hopefully things will work out and I won't have to go back to work until the end of May or beginning of June. That's my hope anyway. 

Well- that's enough of an update for now. 

Happy New Year!

Scariest day of my life

Last week at my twenty-four week checkup while in the waiting room to be called back we got a call from Adam's foot surgeon telling us his insurance wasn't going to pay for the surgery to fix his foot. My blood pressure at the appointment, was, needless to say slightly elevated.... A lot. So the doctor wanted to see me again in a week to check to see if things settled down.

Skip to today when said follow up appointment was to take place.

So this morning started out with Adam and I having a fight and him leaving for work and then more angry phone calls and hanging up on each other, lol. It was interesting. Then we both called an apologized and we planned to go about the rest of our days.

Adam's phone was out of minutes, so I made sure to re-plug in our house phone before leaving for work so I could call him after his blood work today to see how things went. When I plugged it into the electricity I got zapped. I didn't think anything of it and then went off to my appointment for the blood pressure re-check.

Blood pressure was perfect- everything was perfect. Then I mentioned to the doctor about the getting shocked and she decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. Well, the baby didn't do any "practice breathing" during the 30 minute scan.

Ultrasound tech sent me back up to the doctor. I start freaking out. Doctor calls me back in, says chances are it isn't a big deal because at twenty-five weeks the breathing thing isn't regular thing they do. However- she still wanted me monitored for a bit so she wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery to get hooked up and monitored for a few hours just to make sure his heart rate didn't do any dipping.

Well, I was alone. Adam had already left for work, I didn't know how to get in touch with him because his cell was out of minutes, and he wasn't answering our house phone. I called my sister hysterical and she told me to get my ass to the hospital and she'd hunt up my husband and get him to the hospital. Still freaking out, I took money from my rent to put minutes on Adam's phone so we could get in touch with him.

I get to the hospital, I get hooked up. I cry- A LOT. But there was his heartbeat, steady, strong, and consistent. He hated the pressure from the fetal monitors on my stomach and kept kicking out them. It was actually funny to watch.

Jessica and Adam kept taking turns with me in triage because they'd only let one person come stay in with me.

After two hours, I was given the all clear and told to follow up with my doctor again on Wednesday.

Picture from when I first got there, right after being told Nathan was okay, and Adam passed out in the waiting room.

Pregnancy and Weight Gain and Life- I'm more than just a VSG!

So, pregnant women are supposed to gain weight- we all know this. What they don't tell you as a female WLS patient who has not had children yet is that it is a mind game when it happens!

I'm 17w4d pregnant. Last year I got down to I think 178-9 pounds. After a rough winter of bordom, and limited finances = higher carb count than normal, I found myself gaining 20-25 pounds. I filled up the house with a WLS friendly supply of nutritious foods to work on losing the weight and found out I was pregnant. I quit smoking right then and probably ended up gaining another 5 pounds. At my first doctors appointment I weighed in at 210. I went down to 209 at the next appointment and was told by my doctor that had I not been pregnant it would easily have been closer to a 5 pound loss in that month. *sigh* oh well.

So, at my last appointment I tipped the scale at 217. My doctor is calling it a 7 pound pregnancy gain due to my starting weight. He thinks that is wonderful and that the average woman has gained between 5-10 pounds at this point.

I'm swollen and lets face it- I weighed maybe 190-195 when we picked out our wedding rings- I can't wear the wedding band, but my engagement ring fits... My double chin is creeping back in and I have a meltdown just about every morning while getting ready for work and I have to look in the mirror. Then I remind myself that I am growing another human being- a human being that I love so much more than I could ever love myself... Be it skinny self or 300+ pound self- I love the baby more!!

So, I'm okay with the weight gain. I plan to breast feed and everyone says that will help whip me back into shape a little faster- plus I'll be taking off three months when the baby comes so I won't be tempted by all the take out the girls order for lunch.

Now, I'm going to give you guys a huge photo dump.

Also, we've named our son. He will be named Nathan David and we love him so much. I love listening to his little heart with the doppler. Sometimes we can also hear him moving around with it. For a few weeks I've been able to get a sense of when he is active inside me, but not really feel him like feel him feel him. Well, two days ago I'm pretty sure I felt two little jabs at different points in the day.

We <3 him and can't wait to meet him!

This photo is me 4 weeks pregnant (on the left) and on the right at 17 weeks pregnant

Why I hate today...

Today is my cousin Joshua's 30th birthday. Growing up he and I were almost like twins, him being only two and a half months older than me. In school they made sure we never ended up in the same classes and that our lunch breaks were always separate from each other. One time they had to put us in the same math class because we were at the same math level and it was awesome.

Joshua taught me how to drive stick shift when I was 15 and he was already 16. We had parties in the driveway with dancing and music and always found a way to have fun.

He took me on many vacations I never would have been able to do without him.

And then lies ruined our family and I haven't talked to him in over a year. Today he's 30 and I don't get to hug him and joke with him and tease him about being an old man.

He's not gonna come to the hospital when I have our baby and be proud of yet another nephew. He's not gonna slap Adam on the back and congratulate him.

My son isn't going to know his kids and they aren't going to play together and be cousins with each other the way I grew up with cousins.

I don't want this for our son. I want my son to grow up with a big family the way I did. I want him to have lots of cousins around him.

I want my fucking family back and I hate the asshole who ruined everything.

I want my aunt around to help me pick things out for my son and to help me decorate a nursery. I want my cousins at the baby shower and I don't want it to be awkward.

I want things I can't have. What else is new.

Ultrasound Sharing

We had our first ultrasound yesterday.

Baby Moses is measuring 9 weeks and 5 days, which is 3 days ahead of what going off of my last period gave us when the doctor originally calculated things.

The baby was a perfect little wiggling machine! 

I didn't get to watch the entire ultrasound because she had to turn the screen to do measurements and such but Adam was lucky and got to watch everything. It was enough for me just getting to watch him watching our baby and to see his face light up and him falling in love. 

I don't know how after experiences like this we just go back to our normal lives. I have no idea how I'll get through a day at work let alone the coming weeks!

But isn't our baby precious?!?!?

Eight Weeks Pregnant Today

This is what Sprout is looking like this week.

This is what Sprout has me feeling like. Remember the scene in Men in Black where they pop open the dudes head to discover there is a little alien inside controlling everything that the body does? Now, make the alien Sprout, and instead of in the head make it my uterus….. Yup, that’s what we've got going on. An alien controlling my body deciding when I can sleep, eat, pee, feel bloated, and nauseous.

Seriously though, we are so excited to be at the 8 week marker! This week thanks to the little developed hands, feet, arms, and legs the baby  begins moving. Although it will be a very long time still before these movements can be felt by me and even longer before Adam will be able to feel them.

And now, the sad part of this post. On July 1, 2014 my grandma passed away due to failed small intestines. She never woke up from the surgery they attempted to perform to remove the icky stuff. When they got inside they discovered things were actually so far gone that she only had hours left. It was such a shock to have the doctor come out of the OR still in his scrubs and sit my Dad, Mom, sister and I down for that conversation.

So, many people gathered at the hospital. Mom, Dad, Adam, Jessica and Nick, Rachel, Alyse, Sidney, my Aunt Debbie and myself. We were all gathered in her room in ICU saying out goodbyes when a nurse came in with a Doppler to check my grandma’s heartbeat. She left the Doppler sitting on the bed as they would be coming in frequently to use it. My Aunt was the first person to look at the Doppler and then at me and then quickly everyone else in the room joined in on her thoughts.

I was against it. It didn't seem appropriate for some reason. Everyone basically begged me to let Jessica (my sister who is a nurse) try to find Sprout’s heartbeat with the Doppler so Nana could hear it before she passed. Finally I consented and everyone stood around quietly holding their breath waiting for it.

And then there it was. It sounded kind of like butterfly wings fluttering against a microphone. It was faint, and fast, and swishy.

And Nana went. The end of one heart beating and the start of a new one.

Oddly poetic.

Guilt

There is a part of me that feels so guilty right now. When the doctor told me after my LEEP it was okay to try and get pregnant I never thought it would happen so fast. I joined a few online community for women trying to conceive and just got the tips of my toes wet with introducing myself in the community and sharing the struggle with PCOS and then the LEEP. 

I did find a lot of people who were also struggling to get pregnant. So many people posted that this was their last round of IVF because they were out of money.

And then I popped up pregnant right out of the gate, during the first month of really trying. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited, scared, grateful, and in awe of what my body is doing. I'm so thrilled to be having Adam's baby grow inside me. 

But there is a little part of my heart that is breaking for all these women who were kind to me who are still struggling and must harbor some feelings of resentment towards the fact that it happened the first month for me.

I pray for these women that they can know the joy I feel at seeing two pink lines show up on test after test.

Well, how about that :)

Well my lovely WLS community- we did it! Still very early days (obviously) from the last post....

Drum roll........... 

We've got a line ......,

After line.....

After line

I know all the statistics of things that could to wrong and what not. 

However I know that right now Adam and I have created a something completely wonderful :) 

TTC

Well, here we go! 

We have the all clear from the doctor after a year long battle with HPV. I've been off birth control for two months and I'm now getting confirmation of ovulation- something that beyond excites me after years of dealing with PCOS and all that it entails. 

The reason for my VSG to begin with. My hopes and dreams, my fears and nightmares.... My many frogs and finally my prince. All for this moment. 

Let the baby making begin!

I've debated sharing this part of my journey with the world. It's raw and each month that it doesn't take route will be hard to share but this is the whole reason  for it all. You have all been a part of the process and I want that to continue. Your kind words have gotten me through so much and it will help with this and I want you to all be a part of the joy should we be blessed.

Everyone, this is Adam'sand my fondest wish, hope, and dream. Please pray for us in this. 

May 2014 Update

Back when I started this blog my life was so different. I think of all the things the led to my decision to remove 80+% of my stomach and I don't regret them one bit because they led me to where I am today, which is mostly happy. Through this process I've also learned that mostly happy is more than most can hope for out of life.

Last year my lowest recorded weight was 179.4. Today I sit here after a long boring winter at about 199. Let me tell you how much of a difference these extra 20 pounds are making in my mind. Twenty pounds shows in the way of my face feeling fuller, and those size 8-10s I was so happy to put on have been retired while I struggle emotionally with putting on a size 10-12. What happened?? How could I let this happen?? I don't blame anyone. I do the grocery shopping in our home... It's my fault. However, I will step on my soap box for a moment and rant.

Adam and I are a young couple starting out. Our little apartment costs what people in the south pay for a four bedroom split level. Our electric/gas bills this winter sucked up any disposable income and were just as high as our rent. While struggling to pay these bills, the 2.99/lb chicken breast took a back seat to the .99 box of pasta. Low carb wraps that run about $5 for 10 took a back seat to bread we could make at home with white flour. And well, the chocolate chip cookies, and honestly there were A LOT of them this winter- they were just slipping back into old habits of using food to make us feel good when we were so bored and unhappy because we were SO broke.

Well, I've just gotten back the 5% pay cut I took over a year and a half ago, and Adam's hours should be going back up in just two short weeks. Financially we need him to start working those hours again. Domestically- I can't stand the thought. Last summer was so lonely with him working and not getting home until hours after I'd gone to bed. I'd have gone crazy last year if it hadn't been for the Friday night sister dates with Alyse and Jessica. With Alyse living upstate now and Jessica being all wrapped up with her fiance (I truly shudder at that thought) this year I'm looking to better utilize my alone time.

I'm going to get out an explore the city we live in. I'm going to do this with my walking shoes on! I'm going to read and read until my eyes hurt. I'm going to catch up on tv, and I'm going to walk some more. I will get these 20 pounds off and hopefully more.

I've received the go ahead from my doctor that we can try to start our family. The last year dealing with HPV and several other nasty procedures have left me feeling anxious as ever about starting our family. I want one so badly. I think to myself "How can we possibly have a baby? We could barely pay the gas bill this winter!" But ya know what, we'll find a way. We've done everything on our own with VERY little help from anyone. We did what we could with the money from our wedding, his grandma surprised with a few hundred dollars a few months after the wedding. I may do some grocery shopping from time to time in my parents pantry, and Jessica has been quick to slip some of my items into her items at the checkout, but when it comes to the actual BILLS we've done it on our own and we would for a baby as well.

Our one year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching. I can't believe we've been married for almost a year. I can't believe I have a different last name. (Nor can I believe how incredibly annoying it is to have to change your last name on EVERY FRICKEN thing under the sun!)

I'm also taking a semester off from school. The school I attend has a three semester system with most students doing two on track semesters and one off track where they can chose to take online classes or just enjoy their life. Well, since I started in 2010 I have done all three semesters and I'm tired! So, I'm taking one off. I'm hoping that after this relaxing summer I am planning when September comes around I will have regained some of my enthusiasm for finishing a bachelors degree.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm just not sure what to share and what to keep to myself, lol. This blog was once upon a time only about my weight loss surgery. Then I met Adam and it quickly became about my life as a whole and stopped being so much about weight loss.

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I can't wait to see what the next year holds in store for my husband and I. Will we become parents? Will I manage to lose the extra weight? Will he finally get the promotion he has worked so hard for? Will I finally motivate myself enough to find another job? (Honestly, I make an okay wage for where I work and I have two weeks of paid vacation, a week of sick time, and health insurance that I pay very little into- it makes deciding to leave a very weighty decision these days.)

And the beat goes on......

Back in March of 2013 I went for my annual PAP because I was getting married and wanted to renew my prescription for birth control and that was about the only way to get it. So off I went, no big deal really. I've been seeing my PCP (who can do PAPs) since before I had boobs and she is a sweetheart. She was excited for my upcoming nuptials and to hear all about Adam, and I was only to happy to gush about him.

Well, a week or so after that I got a call from her to discuss the lab results. That was odd to me because in the past I've always just gotten a call from the nurse telling me all was well. Well, this time it wasn't. My lab results came back showing low grade dysplasia. What is dysplasia you ask? The definition Google returned to me was "The enlargement of an organ or tissue by the proliferation of cells of an abnormal type, as a developmental disorder or an early stage in the development of cancer." Sounds scary, right? Well it is!

I had to follow up with an actual GYN and had a colposcopy done. Ready for another wonderful Google definition? "Colposcopy is a medical diagnostic procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva. Many premalignant lesions and malignant lesions in these areas have discernible characteristics which can be detected through the examination." Basically you get up on the table, put your feet in stirrups, and then the doctor swabs the cervix and then looks at it with binoculars. If he sees something funky he takes this tool that looks kind of like toe nail clippers with a really long handle and snips at the funk so it can go to the lab.  This was done two weeks prior to our wedding. I prayed hard between the extreme uterine cramping that it would all just be a nightmare and all would come back okay. Well, it didn't. 

I had HPV. 

This can be sexually transmitted or something that just occurs on its own. My sister now freaked out goes for her annual, and she goes through all the same stuff. We get hooked up at my bridal shower with my cousin on my Dad's side- and she's gone through it too. One day a conversation with my grandmother reveals that she had cervical cancer in her 40s or 50s. 

So, the doctor suggests playing the waiting game. Often times the body will clear up the virus on its own and there is not need for further treatment. Come back in six months and do another pap. 

I got married and settled into being a wife, a student, and employee, a daughter, and a sister. I didn't think about it much and before I knew it my six months were upon me. That PAP came back funky too. So another lovely colposcopy. I got a call from his medical assistant on a Thursday asking me to come into the office on Monday to discuss the results. I asked if we could do it by phone then and there but the doctor was in surgery. Crap was hitting the fan at my job and I couldn't take the time off from work without feeling like I was jeopardizing my job. She couldn't tell me anything about the results because the doctor hadn't told her it was okay to do so. 

Well, I went home that night and I was a zombie. Did I have cancer? Would I be able to have children? Adam and I had been talking about starting our family a lot lately. We want children. I told Adam and it was a terrible night. We fought so badly and a plate got broken, and I ended up on the floor crying uncontrollably. I needed him to be there for me and he was being a jerk. Well, upon him seeing me reduced to hysterical tears he held me and apologized and shared with me how scared he was too. We cried together.

I knew we couldn't wait through the weekend without the results, so I called the doctors office Friday morning and demanded someone get on the phone with me and tell me what MY medical records held. A nurse got on the phone with me and all she could tell me was that it WAS NOT cancer. Okay! PHEW! I was prepared for it to come back as pre-cancerous, I knew this was a possibility. No big, we'll freeze the shit and get on with life.

This one came back as high grade dysplasia. The doctor didn't think it was a good idea to play the waiting game anymore, and he didn't feel as though the freezing treatment was the best option either. We skipped all that and went right in for a LEEP. Ready for more Google??? "Similar to conization but performed in the office. The piece of the cervix is removed with a wire loop." 

I was knocked out for this one, thank god. 

All went well. The pathology on it came back fine, in fact it showed low grade dysplasia, not high grade. Which means my body was probably on the road to clearing it up. They are so confident they got all the ick and that things will be fine from here on out that typically they have you come in after for another PAP 3-4 months after the procedure, they told me I didn't have to come back for it for 4-6 months. 

I will be going for the 3-4 months though. Adam and I want to have a baby. (Alyse, you're the only real life person who reads this- keep your mouth shut lol)

The reason I'm sharing all of this is that if my sharing it gets ONE woman to go out and get checked- it's worth it. 

Now, for me, I don't believe this was anything that happened to my because of having sex. The research that I've done suggests it can come from many different things. Given my family history of my gma having cervical cancer, my cousin and my sister all being hit with the same thing- it seems like it could be more genetic. I could be wrong. Also, a compromised immune system can bring it on as well. The list of vitamins that you can be deficient in being contributors is nuts-o. Guess who hasn't taken her post bariatric surgery vitamins in about a year? This girl!

Well, no more. Amazon delivered to my door my vitamins yesterday. I took them this morning (and I'm remembering why I stopped taking them, I feel like crap for a little while after) and I'm going to be taking them everyday. They sit in the kitchen on top of the coffee canister so I can't even have my morning cup of joe without being reminded to take them. Also, these vitamins have been approved by my OB/GYN as more that sufficient for the folic acid needs of getting and being pregnant. 

So, two more weeks of no sex- and then it's baby making time! (Hopefully!)